“I’ve Given Birth... Is My Sex Life Over Now?” (With Anonymous)
Prioritizing sex after birth — or even after having kids that have grown up a bit — doesn’t always come naturally. Couples can experience a lack of intimacy after a baby, brought on by fatigue, stress over caring for the new person they are responsible for, and even a general shift in hormones post-delivery (some people even experience a decrease in their sex drive throughout their pregnancy).
We’re not saying to jump right into sex after birth (after all, the human body needs time to recover after delivering a baby, and your doctor or midwife’s recommendations should be followed).
Of course, we’re not even suggesting that you have sex when you’re not in the mood and don’t feel up to it. What we are suggesting is that couples who want to keep their sex lives alive and well, even after having kids, take the time to listen to today’s conversation.
We’re sitting down with an anonymous mom-of-two to discuss what it’s like to experience the fluctuations of hormones and libido, as well as understanding and working through the physical changes from conception, through to the months of pregnancy, post-delivery, and while raising young children. We also chat about the importance of taking time to be the best version of yourself and how to love your body, regardless of if you’re a parent or not!
Here is the transcript of our podcast interview below. You can also download or stream the audio podcast here!
Between Our Thighs: How are you doing?
Anonymous: I’m good! How are you?
BOT: I’m good.
Anonymous: Good!
BOT: You want to tell us a little bit about yourself?
Anonymous: So, I guess, career-wise, I have a degree in environmental design; that is sort of a hybrid of interior design and architecture. I went to OCAD — Ontario College of Art and Design — and I was in that field for a long time. I did stuff for myself and I worked for companies, as well. Then, I met someone and we got married and everything, and we decided to have kids. The job was kind of strenuous. I’m just jumping right in! Is that okay? [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs] Yeah, that’s good!
Anonymous: The job was kind of strenuous. I mean, I had a lot of clients that worked on tight deadlines, because it’s the design industry, and I lugged a lot of heavy samples of stone and tile and all that stuff. I was pregnant with our first baby, and we had lost the baby. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but [laughs] we had lost the baby and I— It was tough. I thought, “You know, this industry is bananas,” because it is. It’s really nuts. I thought, “I’ll take a year off and see what happens,” and in that year, I had a baby. We had our first daughter and then a year and a half later, we had our second daughter, and I’ve been home with them since.
Our oldest just turned two and our youngest just turned eight months. Yeah, it’s a wild ride because they’re really close in age [laughs]. They’re really intense and they know what they want. They don’t listen to me and it’s crazy [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] So, you had the two under two.
Anonymous: Oh, yeah. Two under a year and a half! [Laughs]
BOT: Oh, my...
Anonymous: Never mind ‘two under two.’
BOT: That’s a wild ride. You thought the design industry was bananas? [Laughs]
Anonymous: [Laughs] Bring me back! Oh, my.
Yeah, I mean our first took us three years and we did have the loss in between there. So, when we started having sex again, we thought, you know, it’s going to take at least a year. At least two, but it was that month. My first was eight months and I was like, “Oh, fuck, I’m pregnant.”
Oh, sorry! Am I allowed to swear?
BOT: [Laughs] Yeah, you can swear.
Anonymous: [Laughs] I’m like, “Oh, damn, I’m pregnant again!” Like, wow, yay, but whoa! So yeah, it’s been wild, wild.
BOT: Surprise! [Laughs]
Anonymous: Surprise! [Laughs] Love you, surprise!
BOT: So, no number three?
Anonymous: [Laughs] You know what...
BOT: Or not right now?
Anonymous: We talk about it all the time, but we— Ah, we don’t know. We’re like ninety percent sure we’re done at two, but you know what they say [about] what happens when you make plans, so [laughs]... We’re just leaving it open right now. Margot is eight months, so that’s when I got pregnant with her. So, we’ll see [laughs].
BOT: I guess, yeah. We’ll see how it goes!
Anonymous: [Laughs] Yeah.
BOT: I guess, in between those times, your sex life — it was happening! Obviously, it didn’t slow down.
Anonymous: You know, it’s funny, it did a lot, a lot, a lot. We had our first daughter and it was— I think it depends on your pregnancy because I’ve had awful pregnancies, to the point where I can’t even walk near the end because I’m just all belly.
BOT: Oh, shit.
Anonymous: And my pelvis literally just caves in on itself.
BOT: Oh, my God.
Anonymous: It’s like, the penis comes close, and you’re like, “No, no, no, no, no. Get away from me!” I cannot walk, so no. The second half, there’s just no hanky-panky and then your baby’s born and you’re pushing a watermelon through a lemon. Everything is just painful and uncomfortable and you’re getting used to— Especially when it’s your first.
Once you give birth, you’re a completely different person.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: You’re a mother and you really are a new human being. You’re getting used to so much. They say six weeks to wait [to have sex], but we waited longer. I mean, my husband obviously would have been ready to go the next day, but, yeah.
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: We waited longer [laughs]. A lot of people— I don’t know, a lot of people say it hurts or [that] you have to be careful. No! I don’t know, I don’t know what people say that/ We kind of just jumped right back in, but it took a while. We did the official ‘first time,’ we kind of planned it. Like, “Tonight should be the night. We’re getting back into it.” [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs] Get prepared.
Anonymous: Get prepared, you know! But it’s tough because you’re both exhausted.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: Usually, especially the mother is, and it’s like, “Oh, fuck, alright, let’s just do this.” [Laughs] I mean, it’s great, but you’re so tired. Unless you’re someone who’s had a child, you cannot understand how tired you are.
Then, of course, we did it and it was awesome and we were like, “Yeah! We’re going to get back into it!” But no. Two weeks went past, as it was like, “Oh, yeah, that sex thing. We should really try that again.”
BOT: [Laughs] “Remember when?”
Anonymous: [Laughs] “Remember when?” But after, I would say the seven-month mark, is when we got back into a rhythm of it. You know, a three or four times a week thing, which was sort of the norm for us. Then it was like, “Whoa, this didn’t happen for so long!” I was like a wild animal. I don’t know if it was the hormones or what, and so much of it is hormones, you know?
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: I had a girlfriend who, she didn’t want her husband to touch her for well over a year after she gave birth. She was like, “I am not into this” and they’re having their second child now so, of course, that changed.
BOT: [Laughs] At some point.
Anonymous: At some point. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes there is no rhyme of reason, it’s just [that] the sex drive really does disappear for a bit and I think it’s a survival tactic. Just add sex to everything else that you’re doing— You just can’t.
BOT: When would you sleep? You already are not sleeping.
Anonymous: When would you sleep? Come on!
BOT: [Laughs] Yeah, my friend just had a baby and I’m like, “Okay, when do you have time to eat?”
Anonymous: [Laughs] I remember that, [thinking], “Can I eat or could I shower?” Those were the two things that were so monumental. You learn that you don’t really need to shower daily because you have spit-up on you and stuff all the time.
BOT: Anyways.
Anonymous: Anyways, yeah, you just shower and then it’s back on you, so yeah, I’d rather eat than shower, for sure. It’s tough.
BOT: Those gross little baby poops [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: And then that’s not very sexy.
Anonymous: No! That’s not sexy, either. I was going to say, sex is tough when you don’t have kids thrown into it. Your body changes so much, so much. Whether you — as people like to say — “bounce back” (I hate that term), but if you bounce back or not. Or if you feel great about your body after, for those that don’t, it’s rough. You put on lingerie pre-baby and you’re feeling all sexy and you’re happy with yourself and then your body really completely changes.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: I don’t know, like I said, you feel like a different person. I’m not only talking weight-wise, like exactly how you look. It’s the way you — I don’t know. It’s the way you carry yourself, even. You really are a new human being and it’s almost like you have to learn about yourself and how you function in this new role. How that translates to having sex with a partner, right? That’s such a big part of a relationship and you’re kind of showing up, being like, “Okay, who am I? How am I doing this now, as this new me?” It’s wild.
BOT: So, the person you were pre-baby is different from the person you are during pregnancy, and that’s different from the person you are post-partum.
Anonymous: A hundred percent, a hundred percent! You are three different human beings.
BOT: And all the while, your hormones are ruling you.
Anonymous: Oh, my God [laughs]. Don’t. Hormones is like a whole different topic, but you really are. I mean, for me, I was — and this is obviously very personal, everyone has a different opinion of themselves, but — pre-pregnancy, I was like, “Yeah, I’m down for anything!” Wild, crazy fun. “I’m a sex pot.” That’s how felt about myself [laughs]. I’m all confident, and “Yeah!”
Then, [during] pregnancy, I’m like, “Oh, I’m a beached whale! Don’t touch me!” [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: Complete opposite of everything I have ever felt about myself! I’m like, “Just roll me over to the chips!”
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: That’s where it ended.
It’s funny, because once you have your baby, there are so many (like I said) growing into this new person and you don’t exactly know where you fall, yet. It’s weird.
BOT: Yeah, and learning that new version of you.
Anonymous: Yeah!
BOT: And then your partner learning that new version of you, too.
Anonymous: Yeah, no, it’s super hard for them to navigate because sometimes [laughs] my husband’s — I hope he doesn’t listen to this after, but — [laughs]...
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: Women, I find that we’re pretty funny, because sometimes he tries to get it on all the time and I’m like, “Oh, my God! Give it a rest”. You know, either you’re down or they’re annoying. So, he’ll not make any moves for a week, and then we’ll get into bed and I’m like, “Why aren’t you into it?” [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs] You and I are the same person.
Anonymous: Are you serious?
BOT: ”Have you lost your attraction to me?!”
Anonymous: ”Do you not find me sexy anymore?!” And he’s like, “Goddamnit.” He’s said, “I don’t know how to navigate. Sometimes I can touch you and you’re down and sometimes I touch you and you want to rip my head off.”
I’m like, “Oh, yeah, that’s fair. That’s fair.”
BOT: ”I just want you to read my mind.”
Anonymous: Yeah! “Why can’t you read what I’m thinking or feeling?” [Laughs] So I’m like, “Well, tonight I’m down, so let’s do it.”
And that’s another thing you have to get used to too, post-baby. It’s sometimes not as spontaneous as you would like it to be.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: Because, you know, depending. For us, for example, we’re living with my in-laws right now because we’re renovating a bit of our home and so, that’s really— you kind of are like, “Okay, they told us they’re going to be out tonight, so do you want to do it between seven and nine, sometime?” So, then, you know— And if you’re a spontaneous couple prior, which we were, that takes some getting used to, as well.
BOT: Yeah!
Anonymous: But even if you’re living in your own home with kids, it’s like, okay, they’re down by seven-thirty and with you eat dinner with the kids or you eat dinner after you put them down. “Okay, so tonight we didn’t eat dinner with the kids, so we’ll make something really quick and then, okay, so we’ll be done eating by like eight-thirty and then we need until like nine-thirty to maybe watch a show. So, should we try to squeeze it in between nine-thirty and ten?”
BOT: Because you want to be in bed by ten!
Anonymous: [Laughs] Yes! I want to be in bed by ten! Jeez, it’s funny, but I mean, that doesn’t last forever. Our kids are still really, really young and it’s chaos.
Sometimes, you’ll do something like, family will be over and the kids are kind of— someone’s holding our younger one and our older one is playing with her cousins and stuff, so it’s like, “Oh, hmm, we just have to go over there for a second.” We sneak away to the closet and then that’s kind of fun because it’s spontaneous and we can essentially get caught. You know, so you have to make it fun that way, a little bit.
BOT: Yeah! [Laughs]
Anonymous: I really hope my in-laws don’t listen to this [laughs].
BOT: Keep it our little secret [laughs].
Anonymous: Oh, yeah [laughs].
BOT: Oh man, but yeah [laughs] I guess it really does change. It’s funny because my two-times ex now, at this point—
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: I was telling him a while ago, when we were together, I was like, “You know, (like you were saying) I feel like you don’t — I don’t know — you’re not attracted to me.” And he’s like, “You can go three, four times a day or more.”
Anonymous: I love that. You go, girl!
BOT: He’s like, “You don’t give me a chance to make the moves on you! I literally go to the bathroom and then I walk back into the room and you’re naked on the bed, ready to go.” [Laughs]
Anonymous: [Laughs] Oh, my God! I love that!
BOT: And he’s nicely saying it, but like, “Then you have the audacity to [ask] me why I’m not making moves? I don’t have time to make the moves? You’re always making the moves!” [Laughs]
Anonymous: [Laughs] I love it. Okay, see!
BOT: ”I don’t have the same libido that I did when I was nineteen years old. It’s been five years! I’m in my late twenties.” [Laughs]
Anonymous: I love it! [Laughs] Yeah, that is so not where I’m at right now [laughs]. Yeah, it’s so tough. Like I said, it’s so different for every person. Like, for my girlfriend, it was over a year. She had a really traumatic birth though, that had something to do with it. So much of it is [also] mental.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: Because I noticed with my first — I don’t want to use the term “bounced back,” like I hate that term so much — but basically, my body just physically looked the way it did pre-baby.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: Five weeks later. I don’t know why, it just happened. It just happens to some women; that was without working out and whatnot, so I was like, “Oh, this is cool!” Even though it took me a while — like I said, seven months or so to really feel comfortable again — it was just somehow easier that way. Whereas, with the second pregnancy, like I said, our youngest is almost eight months, and I still don’t— I’m still struggling with my self-image.
BOT: Okay.
Anonymous: I didn’t, so to speak, ’bounce back’ as quickly. They say the second, you know, your body’s more used to what’s going on and stuff, so it stretches a lot easier and doesn’t stretch back so easily. It’s not a thing, where I have this specific image of, “I want to be this skinny or this whatever.” It’s just that I felt comfortable where I was pre-baby. In some eyes, that might be skinny to someone, whereas to another person, they might think it’s average or whatever. It’s not that I’m trying to [fit] a specific look, I just want to be where I was before because that’s where I was comfortable.
BOT: It’s about how you feel.
Anonymous: Yeah!
BOT: It’s a feeling, not a look.
Anonymous: Yes! I think it has so much to do with [the fact that] I worked out three times a week and I did a mix of yoga and Pilates, and I think that so much of that was mental. It was mental clarity.
BOT: Yes!
Anonymous: I got out whatever I needed to get out through exercise and I felt strong. Right now, I feel so weak and all of that can translate into sex. To feel confident in the bedroom, you have to feel confident with yourself.
BOT: Yes.
Anonymous: Self-love first. First and foremost, before anything. So, it’s frickin’ tough. Just breathe, take it all in, don’t even think about sex right now.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: That’s the thing, the first month is so intense. So much happens. I remember, my sister-in-law (with my first, with my second it didn’t happen), but breastfeeding is very frickin; difficult and then I don’t understand how women have sex while they’re still breastfeeding and they let their husband suck on their nipples. I just— I always thought that I’d be that woman, of like, “Oh, I don’t care! Boobs for my babies, boobs for my husband.”
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: But I’m like, “No! Don’t go there, it’s for the babies!” I can’t believe I’m that person.
BOT: But you work so hard, so much to get a milk supply.
Anonymous: Oh, my gosh.
BOT: Thinking [about] somebody else taking it when you need that to feed your child.
Anonymous: A hundred percent. Yeah, but oh my God, I remember that first month. It’s so hard on the husbands again, because boobs [are] in their face all day and all night, but don’t touch! [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: And then, God forbid if your boobs or your nipples are cracking, bleeding, it’s like— it’s a mess. That’s why they say six weeks, because that’s really the time it takes to get a grasp on what your new reality is.
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: No, I swear, because I feel— It’s funny, because with both girls, right after I had them, I remember calling my doctor (I forget with which baby) three weeks post-partum, and [was like], “Would it be bad if I had sex right now?” Because I was so frickin’ horny. And she’s like, “I mean, you can, but the reason why we say six weeks is because it’s still an open wound [on your vagina] and you run the risk of infection.”
BOT: Yeah, yeah.
Anonymous: So, I was like, “Oh, man.” I found it so tough. I was like, “Man, we have to wait three more weeks,” and then life settles and you’re like, “Okay, get the fuck away from me.” [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs] Okay, that’s passed. That ship has sailed.
Anonymous: That ship has sailed. Again, it’s so much. So much of it is hormones, it’s crazy. Hormones are a wild ride.
BOT: When you said that about literally your vagina healing, I just think about times that I’ve had really rough sex and it’s taken me a week to recover.
Anonymous: Yeah, totally!
BOT: And that’s not my pelvis literally opening up and pushing a watermelon through it.
Anonymous: Yeah, yeah, it’s crazy.
BOT: So, if you think about the trauma you go through with just some rough sex, the trauma that would go through when your body literally opens up.
Anonymous: Literally splitting wide open.
BOT: Pushing out a baby.
Anonymous: It’s crazy.
BOT: And that’s not even if you have to get an episiotomy or if you happen to tear.
Anonymous: Oh, yeah! So, neither happened to me, so I’m not even sure, but my girlfriend that I was telling you [about] that didn’t sort of get her [sex] drive back for well over a year, she had— Was it, did she tear or was it an episiotomy? I don’t remember. Oh, no, I think she tore — they had to go in and get him with forceps.
BOT: Oh!
Anonymous: I think she tore naturally because of that and she had to go back for treatment. they put this liquid silver. They melt it and put it on your wounds to sort of get it to heal and she had to do that treatment every couple of days for a couple of weeks.
Again, physically she was fine after X amount, but it’s mentally. It’s hard to explain. Yeah, it’s like you’ve been through this trauma, but on the flip side, it’s so beautiful. Like, I actually loved going birth both times.
I loved it because I loved — I don’t know — you just feel like a superwoman and it’s really beautiful
BOT: You are!
Anonymous: Yeah, women are superwomen. I didn’t have an epidural either time and I just really, really felt that shit [laughs]. Once it’s done and you have the baby on your chest, it’s just so amazing, but on the flip side, you somehow still come out with this weird trauma. I don’t know, and like I said, I had a beautiful experience, so I can’t imagine if you’ve had an emergency C-section or forty-eight-hour active labour that some women have. Like, that’s crazy!
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: So, add that to it and you really need to recover from it. That’s why the post-partum period is so important. It’s so important to have support.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: The healing you do mentally and physically, it really sets you up for a healthy mind and body afterwards. That relates to sex, if you heal well.
BOT: Yeah, the support you have taking care of the baby and then, if your baby is happy, you’re happy.
Anonymous: Yeah, yeah, that’s true. That’s another thing. If you’re— Let’s say you move somewhere remote and you don’t have family around you and whatnot and it’s just you two taking care of the baby. More often than not, the husband goes back to work in a week and you’re like, “What the fuck do I do with this kid? How do I heal? How do I feed myself?” And you’re trying to figure out breastfeeding and it’s a lot. So, if you can have support, it’s gold.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: if you can’t, I mean, that adds another layer. I don’t even know when you have sex at that point. Like in five years maybe, I don’t know [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] When your kid’s in college.
Anonymous: When your kid’s in college. “Do you want to have another one?”
BOT: ”Maybe.”
Anonymous: It’s crazy!
BOT: Yeah, I’ve heard so many birth stories and so many different experiences with pregnancy, and it kind of seems that there’s some sort of combination that results in that end. How you feel after it. Some people have a really crappy pregnancy, but then birth is easy, or a really easy pregnancy and then difficult birth. Easy all the way through, difficult all the way through, but yeah, I think birth is traumatic on the body, at the end of the day, and the hormones are traumatic.
Anonymous: Totally!
BOT: Even [with] the ‘easiest’ pregnancy, you’re still dealing with floods of hormones after.
Anonymous: Yeah, exactly. I think all of that being said, though, I think it’s so important— I’m a big believer in not necessarily the law of attraction and whatnot, but I really believe that your mindset, the way you start the day, the way you approach relationships, just for everything, has so much to do with it.
BOT: Mhmm!
Anonymous: I mean, I tried to have a good mindset for the pregnancy, but I knew from the first, that fuck, my pelvis [was] going to cave in at the six-month mark and it’s going to suck balls, but I thought, “Okay, no, I’m going to try to keep a positive mindset!” But it just— yeah, it sucks. The pregnancy just sucked, I’m going to put it out there.
For the birth, I remember— So, [with] my first, they had to induce me. I won’t go through the story because it’s too long, but they basically had to induce me because my water had broke, but it was only leaking instead of fully coming and it was like that for eleven hours. They [said] it was a risk for infection, so we had to induce me. They basically said that the induction will take about eight to ten hours to sort of ‘activate’ or whatever they call it, and I was holding her and breastfeeding her in under two [hours].
So, when they told me that, I was like, “No, fuck that, I’m not waiting ten hours. No, we’re rocking this. Let’s do it.”
BOT: Wow, yeah.
Anonymous: So they induced me and yeah, she was born quick. With my second, I told my husband, I’m like, “You know, I’m going to give birth to her in an hour because that’s what I’m telling my mind to do.” [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: It sounds crazy, but sure enough, I was admitted to the hospital at three-forty-five— and God, there’s so much more to it than just saying: “I’m going to give birth quick.” It was weeks of me building up and coaching myself and telling myself, “This is natural. You’re going to do it. You’re going to rock it.” It’s not as simple as just saying one sentence.
BOT: Yeah, yep!
Anonymous: And sure enough, I was admitted at three-forty-five and just past five, I was holding her. I went to the washroom and my husband was helping me walk there. I was peeing and he’s sort of kneeling in front of me and I’m like, “Oh fuck, I’m going to give birth right now,” and he’s like, “Ha-ha,” and I’m like, “No, no, call the nurse.”
BOT: [Laughs] “No, actually.”
Anonymous: He’s like, “Are you kidding?” I’m like, “Yeah, I’m done peeing and I’m pushing now. I’m not kidding.” She came five minutes later, it was wild. Sorry, that got really long.
BOT: Wow.
Anonymous: Where I’m going with [this story] is you kind of approach sex this way. You go, “Okay, this is how I feel about my body. Shit’s all crazy right now, I’m not sure where I’ve settled until this, but I have a good relationship, I love my husband, I am this total goddess that has created and given birth to life not once, but twice.” You kind of have to build yourself up and give yourself that mindset! Really, when people tell me, “I haven’t had sex for months or over a year,” like my girlfriend told me, in the back of my head, I’m like, “Yeah, I can see that.” Like, I could! I could for all the eight hundred reasons we just talked about in the last half hour. I could see that.
And I’m sure this isn’t for everybody. I’m sure some women are like, “Bang, let’s go! I’m good to go!” God bless you, but [laughs] if you’re anything like me—
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: You have to set up your mindset for that, too. I have to tell myself, “Listen, you’re still who you were before, but a better version. Let’s go!”
BOT: How do you think, aside from setting up time — like, a scheduled time to have sex — what would be other ways that other people that have given birth, regardless of whether it’s the mother or father or whatever, how can they (together) jump back in?
Anonymous: I think communication. This is going to sound so cliché, but it’s true. Communication is key. For us, it’s so different, it’s so scheduled because we are living with my in-laws. It’s not the ideal situation.
BOT: That’s a different situation [laughs].
Anonymous: Yeah, but with our first, for example, when we were at home, communication is key for sure. You have to say, almost in a weird way, lay it down. You know, my husband would say, you know, if you’re cooking something in the kitchen or whatever, and I come behind you and start to want to get it on, “Are you going to be okay with [this]?” And that’s a fair question and it’s respectful of him, because again, he’s not sure where I’m at with everything.
BOT: Yeah!
Anonymous: I was kind of like, “Yeah, no, that’s okay!” I’d tell him if I’m having an off day or if I’m just not feeling it, I’m too tired, I’ll tell you right away so you know, we don’t get into that weird stage of, “Hey, I’m trying to get some hanky-panky” and me sort of not trying to be rude, but brush him off indirectly. You know, it just goes nowhere.
BOT: [Laughs] Yeah.
Anonymous: I think if you set, not boundaries, per se, but these sort of guidelines (as unsexy as that sounds), it then opens the space up for spontaneity because I could be cooking something and he’d grab my ass, and I’d be like, “Ooh!” We start making out and we do it on the island and we’re good because he knew I want to get it on. [He’ll know] “I’m gonna try and if she’s not down, she’s going to tell me.”
And I’m not like, “Ugh! I’m trying to cook something, why’s he trying to get it on?!” No, because it was set up, where I can say, “No, I’d like to just finish cooking this” and then that’ll be it! It’ll be done, yeah. Yeah, so I think maybe, if you kind of (in an unsexy way) set that up a little bit for yourselves. That can mean anything for anybody.
If you’re a couple that likes having sex outside, you could be like, “Hey, when the kids are down, if I lead you outside, if you’re into it, let’s go!” Whatever.
BOT: Yeah!
Anonymous: Whatever your thing is, just sort of lay it out. For us, our thing was spontaneity. We would do it anywhere, any time [laughs] and that was fun for us. That had to be talked about. How do we navigate that spontaneity without really— I mean, we can’t leave the house; the kids are sleeping. Someone has to have the monitor close by, so you kind of figure that out. Communication!
BOT: And you can still be spontaneous in a different way.
Anonymous: In a different way, exactly. Like I said, whatever someone is into, you adapt. The base of that is there, you just sort of make it work with kids.
BOT: Yep.
Anonymous: We’ve done it before, when our girls are up, in the other room because we’re like, “Let’s have super fast quickie!” and the girls are awake. It doesn’t have to be when kids go to bed, you just, you make it work.
BOT: Yeah!
Anonymous: But you’ve got to talk about it. I don’t know how people don’t discuss sex. I find it such an important thing.
BOT: Yeah, I think talking to your partner about sex is so important.
Anonymous: It’s so important!
BOT: Because it’s such a big part of a relationship.
Anonymous: That’s the thing! It’s huge. Even, like I said, talking about how do [you] navigate this now, or even something stupid, like when I [ask] him, “Why aren’t you into me anymore?” [Laughs] From important stuff to silly stuff, everything.
BOT: But it feels important at the time.
Anonymous: Yeah, exactly.
BOT: Because it’s a blow to your ego, even if it’s just you thinking it.
Anonymous: Yeah, that’s true.
BOT: It still feels— It still affects you and that’s a big thing for you.
Anonymous: Yeah, I mean, even when I don’t think that, for me [communication] is important all the time, even pre-kids. Just something simple like, “Did you like when I did that? Did you like that spot?” You know?
BOT: Yep!
Anonymous: It should always be talked about.
BOT: Yeah, so you’re not doing things that they don’t like again and doing more of the things that they do like.
Anonymous: Yeah, totally.
BOT: And that you’re getting the stuff that you like.
Anonymous: Totally, totally!
BOT: Yeah, I think that even relationship check-ins. People do monthly relationship check-ins and it’s kind of just like, “Where are you mentally, right now? What are some things that we need to work on for next month?”
Anonymous: I never heard of that!
BOT: I love this idea.
Anonymous: Yeah!
BOT: It’s such a great idea, doing these monthly— I mean, you can do them more often, you can do them weekly. I think, maybe, daily is a bit of an overkill. Important things, you address as they come up. Like, if something extreme or big happens that needs to be addressed now, you address it now, but kind of an overall feel. Once a month, once every few weeks, you can touch base. Just schedule a time to sit down together and just be like, “Hey, over the past however many weeks since we last sat down together, this is how I’ve been feeling.” It doesn’t have to be bad things. You could just say, “I’ve been feeling great and this is why I’m feeling great in our relationship” or “Here are some things that are concerning me” or “Here are some things I think we could work on or that we could do more of to spend more time together.”
Anonymous: That’s amazing.
BOT: Yeah!
Anonymous: This is called a ‘monthly check-in’?
BOT: Yeah, that’s just how I’m describing it. It’s like a ‘relationship check-in.’
Anonymous: I love that.
BOT: Like, a relationship meeting.
Anonymous: I love that. You know, if COVID wasn’t around, it would be cool [to] have a date night and you kind of do like, “Let’s do our monthly check-in date night type-thing!” That’s pretty cool.
BOT: Yeah, I know.
Anonymous: Soon!
BOT: Soon. By the end of the summer, hopefully, in Ontario.
Anonymous: Oh, my God, please, please! [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: You know, that, just as a side note, this whole COVID situation does not help either, because you’re stuck at home. After we had our first, when we could have date nights and change the scene a little bit— You know, someone would watch the baby and we’d go have an amazing meal and then fuck in the car, you know? Just that kind of spices it up.
So, I guess I’ve just realized that I’m probably talking from two very unique standpoints, which one, is sex during COVID and sex living with your in-laws.
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: These two joys [laughs] that greatly affect. So, having date nights would really help.
BOT: It’s interesting because I was thinking [about how] COVID boosted my sex life.
Anonymous: You’re kidding! Do tell.
BOT: I got into a serious long-term relationship during COVID.
Anonymous: Yes.
BOT: And I think, maybe it was because we weren’t going out, every date night was an at-home date night.
Anonymous: Right.
BOT: We’re not living together, so I guess that makes a difference, too.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: Because, at least when you’re living together, you can always have sex, but when you’re not living together—
Anonymous: [Laughs] Yeah.
BOT: It’s like, “Oh, let’s meet downtown and go for dinner.” Then, you kind of both go your separate ways after. There’s less opportunities to have sex, whereas [now] it’s like, “Come over, we’ll order in or we’ll watch a movie or—” We had really romantic dates at home, we did a picnic or nice, fun things that we could do at home, but also, now we’re at home, so... There’s plenty of places to have sex.
You know, we can have a bath in the tub with the jets.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: You can’t do that downtown when you’re grabbing drinks [laughs].
Anonymous: No, no, that’s a fair point! I think after you have kids, you’re just— It’s just, especially if your kids go to daycare. Right now, both my girls are at home, currently, and it’s like, I’m just home all day with them, so changing the scene would be so helpful.
BOT: Yeah, it’s totally different.
Anonymous: Yeah, because I remember before we had kids, you’re right. There were a lot of times, even that we’d make dinner plans to go out and then we’d be like, “Fuck it, let’s stay home. We’ll order [in] and (like you said), there are plenty of places to have sex.”
BOT: Yep.
Anonymous: Plenty.
BOT: [Laughs] Exactly.
Anonymous: And plenty of ways in which to do it, right?
BOT: Yup!
Anonymous: Wow, you just brought me back to some pretty cool at-home dates. That’s a neat point! See, it’s amazing the mindset you have when you are that mother in this pandemic and sex is tough, versus what it was like before kids in a non-pandemic world. Like, wow! [Laughs]
BOT: And the dynamic changes, the situation changes if you’re living together, whether you have kids or not.
Anonymous: Oh my God, yeah!
BOT: If you’re dating and living separately or if you’re married and have kids.
Anonymous: Everything is a factor.
BOT: Yeah. Then, also, the big factor is also COVID.
Anonymous: It’s wild. It all goes back to communication.
BOT: Honestly, yeah. Communication is so key for everything.
Anonymous: Everything.
BOT: Whether it’s sex or literally anything.
Anonymous: Everything, everything!
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: Relationships, in your career, with your kids, even. Without it, [sighs] it can go south, quick.
BOT: Mhmm, yeah. It really helps — to quote Rupaul’s Drag Race — to “read the room” [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs] I love that you just quoted that! That’s amazing.
BOT: [Laughs] It popped into my head and I’m like, “I’m gonna say it.”
Anonymous: Well, you know, it goes into other things, too. Are you okay with sex toys again? That’s a big friggin’ question because you don’t want to be having sex with your partner after you have a baby and then he shoves a dildo into your vagina and you’re like, “Where the fuck did that come from?” That needs to be talked about.
BOT: ”I was not expecting that!” [Laughs]
Anonymous: [Laughs] You know? Talking about is not sexy, let’s be real; you’re sitting down like at a fucking meeting at work and, “Alright, so are you okay with sex toys again? Which ones would you be good with?” Like, it’s not sexy, but take those five minutes to talk it out, get it all out on the table to make sure you guys are on the same page because it can get frickin’ weird if you don’t! And then go, go wild!
BOT: And even on that note, it had me thinking: You could even sext each other.
Anonymous: Yeah!
BOT: Throughout the day. Kind of incorporate it into a fantasy play text. [You can] say, “And then I use the dildo to do this.” Then reading what your partner— That’s where you could say, “Oh, and then I do whatever,” or you can be like, “I playfully push it away and instead, do XYZ.”
Anonymous: Yeah, ooh! It’s true, some people may find that a bit awkward. Maybe we’re just super forward with each other. “Hey, do you want to use a dildo or what?” [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: But yeah, no, there’s—
BOT: ”Are we doing this, or no?” [Laughs]
Anonymous: ”You tying me up, or what’s the deal here?” [Laughs]
BOT: ”Upside down this time?”
Anonymous: ”Oh, you’re not ready for that? Okay.” But yeah, you’re right, that is a cute way to do it. Totally, I mean, whatever way you communicate, yeah.
BOT: Yeah, it depends on the couple [and] what works for however many people are involved.
Anonymous: [Laughs] yeah, true!
BOT: ”Are you ready to bring in a third person?“ [Laughs]
Anonymous: [Laughs] That one, no.
BOT: ”A fourth?”
Anonymous: [Laughs] Yeah, that’s a good— Whatever way you do it as a couple, just do it.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: And maybe, sometimes, texting is a fun way because it kinds of builds it up through the whole day, right? Then, when the person comes home, it’s like that build-up is there.
BOT: There’s that anticipation.
Anonymous: Yeah, it’s fun! It’s fun and it’s just a good way, a fun way, to open up the discussion, even.
BOT: Yeah!
Anonymous: Right? Like, “Oh, those messages were sexy” and it’s like, “Yeah, that was fun. I liked when we talked about that, we should get into that again.” You know? It’s easier.
BOT: Yeah, it’s not an easy thing to navigate. It’s not. Having kids isn’t a walk in the park.
Anonymous: Nope.
BOT: That’s the truth. Pregnancy isn’t a walk in the park, for the most part, and yeah. I guess just learning— Like you said in the beginning, circling back to that, learning your new body as you go through the different stages.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: And accepting your body as you go through those stages because you are a different person at each level.
Anonymous: Totally, and I think it’s also important to note that, as women, and I’m guilty of this all the time, I just kind of expect my husband to read my mind, which obviously is not the way it works. So, yeah, communicate about what you’re okay with sexually and your preferences and if that’s changed post-baby and all that, but also tell your partner your preferences that you have outside of the bedroom.
You know, sometimes [sighs] your partner will come home and they were thinking about sex all day and they want to get it on and you gave the green light and you are ready to go, but sometimes you just— Like, it sounds so stupid, but you could just want to put the kids down and have a dinner first because you’ve been talking to frickin’ babies all day.
BOT: Mhmm!
Anonymous: Yeah, I super want to have sex.
BOT: [Laughs] But you want to talk to an adult.
Anonymous: I really want to have sex, I’m horny as fuck, but I need a dinner, a glass of wine, and talking with your for an hour just to unwind a little bit, get my mind straight and out of baby mode. I want you to ask me about my day because I want to have an adult conversation and then let’s get it on. You know? It’s important to talk about all the other stuff, so your sexual relationship is healthy because of the other stuff.
BOT: Yeah! Actually, that reminds me, I have a question for you and it is: What does sex-positivity mean to you and how do you think people can be more sex-positive?
Anonymous: Oh, my God! That’s such a hard question.
BOT: Just from a personal perspective, what does sex-positivity mean?
Anonymous: Okay, yeah, I can zone in on myself. Like you said, it’s so different for everybody, I don’t want to make this big, general statement.
BOT: Mhmm!
Anonymous: Hmm, you know what? I say this for almost everything, but I think it’s so true: everything comes down to self-love.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: You cannot be sex-positive if you don’t love yourself. You can’t do anything if you don’t love yourself. You can’t be a good mother, you can’t be a good wife, you can’t be a good person if you don’t. Again, going back to the whole thing that when we become mothers, we become a totally different person and we have to navigate through that and learn who we are, we have to start by just loving this new person that we are and accepting them. I think with that, slowly, your confidence just builds and you really just have to blossom into this new person and love that person. The rest just comes. Sex-positivity just comes with that naturally. I don’t think it’s something that you can [force]; “Well, I’m going to be sex-positive!” No, you need to start at your core. At your very core, in your heart, start with self-love and everything else just comes.
BOT: That’s beautifully said.
Anonymous: Thanks!
BOT: And I agree, a hundred percent.
Anonymous: Thank you [giggles].
BOT: [Chuckles] You’re welcome. Did you have any concluding thoughts?
Anonymous: Concluding thoughts? Fuck, I hope my husband doesn’t listen to this [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] I’m going to send him the link!
Anonymous: He went out to work on his car or his bike or something this evening and I said, “Oh, I’m actually going to be a guest on a podcast.” I had forgotten to tell him because this is what having babies is like, so I told him an hour prior, and he made a jok; I told him I’m going to say it. He said, “Oh, no way, you’re on a podcast!” I was on a podcast before, talking about becoming a mother, so he asked me, “Is it having to do with mom life again?”
I said, “Well, sort of, but it’s more sex after you become a mom.” And he’s like, “Well, fuck. That’ll take a minute. She’s going to ask you what’s sex life when you become a mom, and you’re going to say, ‘There is none,’ and then it’s over.” [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs] Not true, we managed to stretch it out!
Anonymous: You know, to men, you can have sex three or four times a week, and they’re like, “Oh, we have no sex!” [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: It’s wild.
BOT: Maybe this will enlighten him a little bit.
Anonymous: Yeah, maybe I should send it over to him. “Give this a listen, buddy.” [Laughs]
But in terms of concluding thoughts, I think it’s just so important for women, especially— I keep on zoning in one women because, obviously, that’s my experience and we’re the ones that are giving birth. So, to the birther, “We have have sex after six weeks and I don’t feel like it. What’s wrong with me?” It’s so not what it’s supposed to be like. We didn’t even touch on post-partum anxiety, post-partum depression; there’s a whole mountain of other situations that someone can be in and there is no guide. Everybody’s story is different, everybody’s situation, everybody’s hormones, everybody’s everything is so different, that you have to go into it with a light heart and a bit of humour.
After you give birth, you frickin’ bleed for like, five to seven weeks anyways, so try being sexy when that’s happening. You just have to laugh and really just be easy on yourself. Know that the old you— Well, the old you is not there, there’s a new and improved You there and, whether it takes a month, six months, or two years for you to get back there, you will. You’ll fall into place and just be patient with yourself, love yourself. Yeah, you’ll get there.
BOT: Thank you.
Anonymous: Thank you.
BOT: Thank you for joining us and thank you for sharing your story, and for being so open and honest.
Anonymous: [Laughs] I love it, thank you so much for having me!
BOT: No problem.
