Developing Sex Positivity as an Adult
Having a sex-positive education does not mean that you have to have a large number of sexual partners, need to have dated a certain number of people, have a particular body type, or even need to learn how to think more sexually. Sex positivity is rooted in your ability to look at anything and everything having to do with sex in a progressive and non-judgemental way, while being open to the fact that not everyone has the same likes and dislikes as you in bed (or on the couch, in the shower, at the club, in the washroom at the movie theatre, etc.).
Whether you’re single and sexually active, single and celibate, looking for a more sex-positive relationship with your partner (or partners), or just generally seeking out a more body positive, healthy, and pleasurable existence, this article is for you.
Educate yourself on others’ experiences
An integral aspect of having a sex-positive education is to make yourself aware of other people’s experiences. With so many varying potential combinations of sexual orientation, gender identity, race, and religion, it’s impossible to narrow down your perception of sex solely from your viewpoint. Not to mention sexual preferences such as fetishes, the types of sex someone enjoys, or living with a sexually transmitted infection (STI). It’s also unfair to define ‘sex’ exclusively from your very individualized perspective.
This is not to say that you have to be open to trying things you are uncomfortable with, but instead, that it’s essential to refrain from judging what other people consensually opt to do on their own and with each other. Think about it: to them, some of the things that you enjoy might seem strange.
Always ask for consent
Put simply, sexual consent is seeking permission from someone else to engage in any sexual activity with them. Failure to do so diverts from being a sex-positive relationship. It becomes rape or sexual assault, whether it’s sexual intercourse, oral sex, anal sex, finger or hand play, or any sexual touching or rubbing.
Not only should you get into the habit of clarifying with your partner(s) that they feel comfortable engaging in whatever acts you plan on doing together, but also be clear on what you do and do not feel comfortable with doing yourself.
Expressing consent (your own consent, never that which is given on behalf of someone else) allows for a stress-free, adventurous, and exciting time.
There is no ‘better’ gender
There isn’t a superior gender when it comes to cisgender men or women, nor for trans, non-binary, agender, bigender, or gender fluid folx. Switching from an ‘us versus them’ mentality to a more inclusive and body positive outlook enables us as sexual beings to look past societally-prescribed notions of dichotomous strengths and weaknesses both physically and emotionally.
That said, there’s also not a ‘better’ gender for someone to be paired up with. You can identify as whatever gender (or lack thereof) feels best for you, and in turn, your sexual partner(s) can, too. Pair up with someone who you are mutually attracted to.
Be body positive
Repeat after us: every body is a sexy body. Love your body!
Maintaining a body positive perspective is a large part of sex positivity. Being confident in your own body and embracing all of its unique differences will make your sex life more enjoyable, but will also boost your self-esteem, self-worth, and overall happiness. Encourage body positivity by acknowledging all of the traits you love about yourself, not judging others’ bodies, treating your body with respect, staying active when and if possible, and wearing clothing that makes you feel confident.
Regardless of your age, gender identification, or sexual orientation, these are all ways that anyone can feel sexy in their own skin.
There are lots of ways to have sex
This doesn’t just refer to the types of sex that you can have, the number of partners you engage with at a given time, or even whether it’s taking place face-to-face (after all, video calls are often crucial to keep the fire of long-distance relationships burning). Sex positivity goes beyond that.
Think about the diversity of sex in terms of people’s physical abilities and of their comfort levels. Some sex positions work for one person, but not another. Some sex toys are welcomed into a sexual experience — regularly, or occasionally — while other people are horrified at the thought. It doesn’t matter, it’s all acceptable. It’s all ‘normal.’
Having kinks is totally normal
From the mainstream media portrayals of bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) to the less popularized preferences of orgasm control, having kinks or fetishes is much more common than you might think. However, it could also include that which you may not even consider: things like threesomes, lingerie, feet, or voyeurism.
Think about it. How many people would be willing to open up fully about what they enjoy behind closed doors? Unfortunately, we live in a society that shames sex in many ways, making it an uncomfortable subject to discuss, let alone to broach yourself. Therefore, the best thing you can do is establish a sex-positive relationship with your partner(s) and live your best life.
Don’t be afraid to experiment
If there’s one thing that we’re trying to make as clear as possible, there’s no ‘right’ way to have sex or a sexual experience. It’s all part of sex positivity.
From kinks, to toys, to different positions, don’t be afraid to try a little bit of experimenting if you want to. If it involves a partner, be open about what you’re interested in trying, whether you want to have it done to you, or try it on them. If both parties are up for the new adventure, take it slowly and go for it!
You never know what new favourite thing you might discover, potentially working it into your regular sex life, or using it on occasion to keep things fun and interesting.
Masturbating (or not) is not unusual
Some people (yup, we’re talking about us) can’t even remember the first time that they masturbated, they were so young when it happened. Masturbation is actually good for you! For many people, it’s a great way to lower stress and to feel relaxed, thanks to the fact that endorphins are being released with each orgasm. It also acts as a natural painkiller, helping relieve physical discomfort you might be feeling, including menstruation cramps.
On the other hand, some people don’t enjoy masturbating at all. That’s fine, too. It’s not a matter of having to learn how to think more sexually, or that there’s something physically or emotionally wrong with these individuals. They just don’t enjoy it, and that’s okay.
Not everyone will have an orgasm
Not having an orgasm is not indicative of whether or not you have a mind-blowing or mediocre sex life. If you’ve never had an orgasm before, or go through on-and-off periods where you are unable to climax, it’s nothing to be worried about. Factors that can affect anyone include aging, stress or shyness, medications, or guilt surrounding sexual pleasure. Of course, it’s not just limited to these few possibilities.
The adoption of sex positivity can allow individuals to either seek orgasms in other ways (as an example, by using a sex toy) or by changing up their routine to discover new positions or types of foreplay that can increase the number of opportunities for an orgasm to occur.
Choosing celibacy is okay
Do you want to have a sex-positive relationship with yourself? Well, part of this involves the acceptance that choosing not to have sex is okay, too. Making this decision provides an opportunity for addressing personal problems, searching for internalized happiness, or getting over a breakup.
When it comes down to how ‘deeply’ into celibacy you choose to go, or for how long you opt to avoid sex, the choice is ultimately up to you. Some people don’t consider things like kissing, hugging, dry humping, or massaging as part of their celibacy.
Regardless of your reason for abstinence, or however you choose to define it, it’s okay.
Don’t apologize
One of the most important aspects of truly adopting sex positivity into your life is the refusal to apologize for being who you are. Don’t apologize for how many or how little sexual partners you’ve had. Don’t apologize for your favourite sex position. Don’t apologize for the fact that you haven’t had sex for someone in ten years or have slept with ten different people this week.
Please keep in mind that this is about refusing to apologize for who you are and what you want. If you cause discomfort to someone or have made a mistake in a relationship, an apology is not only a nice thing to do, but the right thing to do.
If you have children, be open and honest with them
It’s no secret that children have impressionable minds. As a result, the adults in their lives need to provide them with a sex-positive education. From a young age, be open with your children about consent and pleasure without ever shaming them for their curiosity and the questions they may ask. Use proper terminology, stay body positive, and avoid over-sexualizing people.
Giving children inaccurate information will cause more harm than good, but neither will forcing a conversation on them. Allow them to ask questions as they feel comfortable, answer honestly, and provide your insights when they are relevant to the conversation.
Everyone deserves sexual fulfillment, regardless of where or with whom they get it from (so long as it is consensual). By gaining sex-positive education, it becomes increasingly clear that this ‘enlightening’ process — so to speak — is not about how to think more sexually. In fact, it goes far beyond that and doesn’t require an innate sexual infatuation to exist. By fostering a sex-safe space in your mind, with current or future partners, and in the language you choose to use, you are not only affirming these perspectives to yourself, but also modelling it to others.
How do you stay more sex-positive? Do you have additional tips for someone looking to live with more sex positivity? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
