Why Is Consent Important and When to Ask for Consent?
/kənˈsent/
Noun. Permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.
Verb. Give permission for something to happen.
Why is consent important? you may ask. It isn’t just a word to throw around, but rather something that must be given explicitly by any person that will be involved in a sexual act, to ensure that all involved are comfortable and enthusiastic about moving forward. Consent is not something to be taken lightly and must be stated clearly every time two (or more) people are about to become sexually involved with one another, whether it’s for the first or the thousandth time.
Below, we’ve outlined not only the significance of consent, but also the types of consent, what is not consent, and when to ask for consent.
It ensures that your partner wants to move forward
Just because your partner has not said “no” out loud, does not mean that they have conceded to a sexual act of any kind. Similarly, past activities that you have engaged in should not be considered consent for the present; enjoying something a month ago, or even earlier in the day, does not mean that someone wants to try it again right now.
Examples of consent can include asking:
“Is this okay?”
“Do you like it when I touch you here?”
“Can I do this?”
“Should we slow down?”
It avoids ‘miscommunications’
If you’re wondering when to ask for consent, the answer is simple: any time an obvious ‘yes’ is not given (whether verbally or physically). The latter will include active and excited participation in the activity, including guiding your hands to where they want to be touched. However, as we mentioned earlier, simply lying there and not saying “no,” or even giving a mere nod, is not a physical indication that consent is given.
Keep an open line of communication with your partner, understanding that the way they dress or behave — including flirting and kissing — does not mean ‘yes’ to anything beyond that.
It creates a safe space for everyone
What is not consent? Consent isn’t forcing yourself on someone, trying to convince them from refusing any or all sexual acts, or making your partner feel afraid to object. Regardless of the degree of sexual acts — whether it’s kissing, undressing, or sharing a kink (like role-playing or a foot fetish) — it should feel safe for everyone involved. After all, sex should be fun and enjoyable, not something to dread.
It allows for all to be on the same page
Another answer to the central question of the day — why is consent important? — is that it allows everyone to be clear on what to anticipate. By explicitly talking to your partner about what you can engage in together and anything you would both like to experiment with, an agreement can be made on both sides as to what you mutually feel comfortable doing.
It enables either partner to withdraw
Consent can be withdrawn at any moment and, if expressed by either partner, the sexual activity should cease immediately. This can be because someone changes their mind due to it not going as well as they had expected, because it’s uncomfortable, or simply because they no longer want to have sex.
Examples of consent withdrawn may include (but are not limited to) the following:
“Let’s stop”
“I don’t like this”
Moving out of a particular position
Expressing discomfort or pain
Stiffening of the body
It shows that you respect your partner
Regardless of whether you’re hoping for a one-night stand or are going to bed with a long-time partner, respect is crucial. Be aware of learning and acknowledging the different types of consent, so that you can adequately express your comfort levels, as well as understand those of your partner. With any sexual relationship, mutual respect is key. This includes recognizing and valuing the boundaries that someone may put up.
It’s required by law
This should be a deterrent, if none of the above points have answered your question of ‘why is consent important?’ However, if none of the aforementioned points were convincing, you shouldn’t be having sex. Period.
What is not consent? Consent can’t be given when either party is intoxicated (whether they can speak or not). Consent is not a “maybe,” or an “I’d rather not.” You must hear a resounding and explicit “yes”; the rest won’t hold up in the court of law.
Consent is not optional. It must be stated clearly and enthusiastically each time anyone is about to become sexually involved, whether it’s after a successful first date or the thousandth time with a partner you’ve been with for decades.
We hope that by plainly defining the significance of consent, the types of consent, what is not consent, and when to ask for consent, you will feel more confident in giving or denying it to those you will have sexual encounters with, as well as understanding how to ask for it from your current or future partner(s).
What are some examples of consent you’ve witnessed first-hand? How would you handle a situation where a partner is not respectful of you? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
