Am I Ready for a Relationship?
Are you ready for a relationship? A serious relationship?
For years, I had asked myself this question, teetering on the decision of whether or not I felt that I was ready to involve myself with someone seriously. So many uncertainties and doubts would pop into my mind, making the decision seem unclear. Am I ready to commit myself to one person or not? And, if I am, what type of person should I date?
Through personal experience, while navigating the road of self-discovery through singleness and eventually making it ‘official’ with someone I knew was suitable for me, I learned about those big signs that you’re not ready for a relationship, as well as the indicators of when you are ready.
If you’re curious about what these are and why they’re so important, look no further than directly below.
You want to be in a relationship
If you’re going to commit yourself to someone long-term (or even short-term, while you see how things go), you have to be ready for a relationship. That is, you have to want to be in it!
It’s typically not a great idea to push yourself into dating someone to help with getting over a breakup, to overcome the survival of a dry spell, or just because all your friends are in relationships and they won’t stop telling you to sleep with someone new. While all of these things may feel like valid reasons and a big push towards dating someone seriously, it shouldn’t be your external circumstances pushing you.
From what I’ve found, you have to genuinely want to share your life and time with someone romantically to be a good partner and, thus, for them to reciprocate and be a good partner for you.
You have established your boundaries
I cannot emphasize enough the importance of understanding and sticking to the essential relationship boundaries that everyone should be aware of and setting your own relationship deal-breakers. The fact is, what is completely okay with (and even encouraged by) one person may be entirely off-limits to you. Recognize what your limits are and be firm on them as you begin dating someone. If someone does not respect your boundaries, hands down, they are not the person for you.
For starters, some basic non-negotiables are that you need time for self-love and self-care; that “no” is final (unless you say so without being pushed or manipulated to do so); that you are treated with respect; do not tolerate emotional, physical, or financial abuse; your thoughts and opinions are valued; and that they won’t judge you for your past. These are just the tip of the iceberg, though.
Your past isn’t haunting you
If you constantly find yourself wondering, “what type of person should I date?” it’s time to delve a bit deeper. When feeling doubtful of current or future significant others based on the behaviour of past partners or the outcome of old relationships, the ‘bad taste’ left in your mouth by these situations may be ruining your chances for happiness down the road. Dig a bit deeper and explore your feelings before deciding to commit to a person seriously.
That said, the same goes for if you’ve been dating new people and often think about breaking up with someone in fear of the pain they might cause you or if you are set on keeping your relationship a secret. Ask yourself why you feel this way and, if it has anything to do with a past you have not come to terms with, pause and reflect on how you can end that chapter of your book before writing the next.
You don’t feel you need to save or be saved
The fact is, love and mental health greatly influence each other. This is why having a solid foundation of self-love is critical for anyone looking to have a serious relationship. While a partner should be a support and friend that will stand by you, they are not responsible for your mental well-being. Likewise, it is not up to you to be there to pull them through a tough time. Relationships are about mutually uplifting each other, not ‘saving’ the other person from themself.
This is why going to therapy is an excellent idea for everyone, regardless of their current mental health. Therapy is an incredible way to dig deeper into your psyche and determine why we do what we do or feel a certain way about something. By uncovering this, we can be better people and, as a result, attract better long-term partners.
You’re aware of how to self-reflect
We all make mistakes or say things we don’t mean, which is why self-reflection is paramount in every serious relationship. First, it helps us preventatively; we can stop, pause, and think about what we’re about to say before blurting it out and causing a scene we don’t truly intend to make. Secondly, if we create an upset, self-reflection helps assess the situation with a clear head to address your mistakes before apologizing appropriately to your partner. Should they blurt things out to you, it’s also good to reflect on your set boundaries and decide if this is the right relationship for you.
As well, there may be times when we do say what we mean — things we’ve been holding in and leaving unsaid. Self-reflection allows us to figure out what it is that we need before communicating healthily with our partner about it.
You’re ready to communicate openly
Without a desire for open communication (or, at least, pushing yourself towards it), a relationship is very likely to fail. By opening up about the things that matter most to us, we can deepen our bond with our partners and strive to grow together instead of growing apart.
While it may not be easy for everyone at first, it’s essential to learn how to talk to your partner about your needs, to talk about what’s on your mind or bothering you, about your hopes and dreams, and where you see your future together taking you. When you begin holding stuff back from your significant other, it can create a sense of fear in opening up to them, worrying about being judged, and even resentment.
You know that not everyone is ‘perfect’
Neither you nor your significant other are perfect, so it’s unfair that you expect them to be. The fact is, we all make mistakes, saying and doing things we don’t necessarily mean in the heat of the moment. While this is undoubtedly not excusing abusive or extreme behaviours (including, but not limited to forms of abuse), I’m referring to the little things we sometimes do. Eye rolling, cries of frustration, irritability, and similar situations are issues we all experience at one time or another. Just as we would hope our partner would do for us, it’s often wise to let them slide without holding it over their head.
Of course, when these negative situations — regardless of how ‘small’ — become habitual, it’s time to reassess the situation. When they are a rare occurrence, however, remember that we all have off days.
You’re willing and able to compromise
In a committed relationship, you have to be willing to compromise. While having a common ground in the big things (particularly in terms of morality) is typically a must, more minor things may arise where you’ll both have to give a little to make it work out. Maybe it’s taking turns driving to each other’s houses if you live in different cities. Perhaps it’s doing a chore you both hate on alternating weeks so as not to leave one person stuck with it all the time.
There are instances where these compromises might be a bit larger scale: putting off having kids to travel together, moving to a new country for your partner’s incredible job opportunity, or finding a satisfying ‘in-between’ sex schedule when you have mismatched libidos. Remember that, when it comes to compromising, these settlements should not interfere or disregard the boundaries you have set for yourself.
You genuinely enjoy this person’s company
While sex is a great aspect of a relationship, I have found that it can’t be the main thing we get ourselves wrapped up in. Just because the sex is fantastic does not mean that the person you’re sleeping with is an ideal long-term partner for you. One of the lovely things about serious relationships is that you have a friendship with someone you care about, you enjoy spending time with, and who respects you.
Instead of being clouded by sex (like I said, even if it’s really good), think about whether or not you want to build intimacy without sex with this person. Does the time you want to spend together stop once things are no longer physical? If so, you’re likely better off being friends with benefits with someone like this, not in a committed relationship.
You understand that not all relationships last forever
Even the most hopeless of romantics must come to terms with the fact that not every relationship is built to last. This can be a very tough pill to swallow — trust me, I know — but is something that we all have to admit to ourselves. Ultimately, we may be open to having a committed relationship, find someone we really connect well with and even love, but it doesn’t mean that they’re the right person for us.
And that’s okay.
Just because it hasn’t worked out with this person does not mean that you’re not ready to date. When you feel that you’re ready to put yourself out there again (and that you’re still aligned with everything I talked about above), write your online dating profile, go out and chat with someone you find attractive at a local bar, or do whatever it is you feel comfortable with to connect with potential dates.
Do you think you’re ready for a relationship, or have you realized more signs that you’re not ready for a relationship? It is only when you can confidently answer most (if not all) of these points with a resounding “Yes!” that you are indeed ready to enter into a committed relationship.
Remember that this self-reflection process is for your benefit, helping you navigate the tricky emotions that sometimes arise in a long-term, serious relationship. Once you feel confident in yourself and your intentions moving forward, you can start asking yourself things like, “what type of person should I date?” or “what should we talk about on our first date?”
In your opinion, what are signs that you’re not ready for a relationship? What do you think is necessary to do before deciding to enter into a committed relationship? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
