When All Your Friends Are in Relationships, It’s OK to Be Single
All my friends are in relationships. I guess I need to be, too.
Once upon a time, this is exactly how I felt. As the last person in my friend group paired off with a new romantic interest, I realized that I had become the only single friend. Even though I wanted to stay single (and had put myself into a necessary, self-induced dry spell), I felt like I was somehow falling short of my friends’ standards by not seeing anyone seriously. This feeling had absolutely nothing to do with my friends — none of them put any pressure on me — and everything to do with my own internalized perspective.
After I realized that I needed to learn how to be single and happy, despite the fact that all my friends were in relationships, I was able to embrace the fact that I was going to stay single. At least, until I was ready to make it ‘official’ with someone deserving of my affection.
You don’t owe it to anyone to be in a relationship
Whether a serious relationship or a casual fling with someone you don’t plan on spending the long-haul with, the decision to be with someone should never be the concern of others (aside from, of course, the person you’re with — mutual consent is crucial always). Often, despite being said with good intentions, loved ones will interject themselves into our lives by relentlessly sharing their desires for us to date someone seriously. Sometimes it’s because they feel bad that we’re in the middle of surviving a dry spell (but hey, masturbation is good for you and, as I mentioned before, sometimes a dry spell is necessary for your personal growth). Other times, it’s as a push for you to start getting over a breakup. It might even be “because they want you to be happy”!
It’s not about anyone else, though: it’s about you. By opting to enter into a relationship simply because you feel like you owe it to the people in your life who are encouraging it, you’re disrespecting yourself and your boundaries. You’re overstepping your comfort zone not because you want to explore the world beyond your singleness, but because you’re feeling forced into it.
When you stop and think about it, failure to recognize and value a person’s decision to stay single is disrespectful and indicates that they need to work on their sex-positive attitudes towards others. Often, this reflects how they would also feel about themselves, if in a similar situation. This isn’t a healthy perspective either, and shouldn’t be projected onto you!
The bottom line? If you want to stay single, you should never feel obligated to hop into a relationship with someone just because they make you feel like you should be dating someone.
Forcing a relationship is futile
There have been times — at least, in my personal experience — where I believed that being in a relationship with someone might fix my problems. So, I went through the motions of writing my dating profile, figuring out what to talk about on a first date based on the casual conversations we had over whatever dating app I was perusing at the time. In some situations, I even considered dating guys I’d become friends with based solely on the fact that they were good looking and I could have a decent conversation with them, without being bored to death.
Never mind taking the time to get to know them and seeing what they were all about. I just jumped straight to “let’s go for coffee sometime,” or even, “Let’s go to a concert together next week.” Then you fall down the rabbit hole of finding out that they are Trump-supporting misogynists who genuinely don’t know the difference between ‘their,’ ‘there,’ and ‘they’re.’ But I digress. What I’m trying to say that it didn’t take very long before I realized that trying to force ‘something’ that isn’t there is futile. In fact, it’s not there for a reason, and that reason is a solid indication that you’re just not meant to be with them.
You don’t want to be invested in someone, in a relationship, that feels forced. It’s unnatural, and at the end of the day, it’s likely never going to sit right with you. The whole point of being with someone long-term is to feel incredible about the situation, not to continually be questioning one another’s motives and wondering why you’re even together in the first place.
Learn from your mistakes
Everyone has messed up at some point or another, especially in relationships. Nobody is perfect; I’ve done things that I’m less than proud of in the past, as I’m sure many of you can relate. While it’s safe to say that we can make mistakes in choosing certain people to date, we can also slip-up with our own behaviours.
In the nearly half-decade that I was officially single, I found myself thinking a lot about the poor choices I had made over the years in who I found myself attracted to, but also in the way that I was presenting myself in these relationships (or ‘almost relationships’). Sure, they acted selfishly and were careless with their words and actions, but so was I. While one will never justify the other, and you can’t use someone else’s behaviour as a reason to mistreat them, nor they justify their poor words and actions because of yours, it’s a good indication of something happening at a deeper level. Step back, assess.
Why are you locking yourself into relationships with people that mistreat you? Why do you find yourself mistreating your partners? It isn’t until we adequately answer these questions and work towards rectifying them (I’m a big fan of going to therapy to help with this) that we can happily be with someone for the long-haul.
We live and we learn; it’s a natural part of life. These are the lessons we will carry with us for the rest of our lives, ones that will ring the alarm bells should a similar situation ever arise again.
Learn from your friends’ mistakes
Just like you are capable of making mistakes, so too are your friends. Back when I was in high school, I remember never wanting to date anyone because I had seen so many people that I cared about crashing and burning in their relationships. While looking back, I should have allowed myself to experience that as part of the process of growing up (almost all of us are bound to experience heartbreak at some point or another in our lives — it’s better to rip off the bandage sooner, rather than later), I did learn a lot about what I did and didn’t want in a serious relationship by watching them learn their lessons.
Whether it was the intertwining and balancing of love and mental health, managing a relationship with your day-to-day responsibilities, or noticing the red flags that crop up in so many partnerships, I was hyper-aware of everything they were going through. Especially concerning the latter, when I reached my senior year, I was aware of every issue that popped up for my friends, sometimes before they even noticed it themselves.
This isn’t to say that learning from your friends’ mistakes will allow you to escape any and all problems in your future relationships, but it does enable you to become more conscious of the negative things that can occur. Unfortunately, though, sometimes we have to learn things first-hand (the hard way), but that’s okay. As I mentioned earlier: learning from your own mistakes is a critical way to better yourself and your future relationships, for something actually worth your time and effort. For someone who will feel an equal sense of commitment to the relationship you’ll be entering into together.
Enjoy the time you’re spending single
While the fact that I am a hopeless romantic is undeniable — I don’t even bother trying to skirt around it anymore, I just embrace it fully — and I love the idea of being in love, I also loved my time being single. When you’re unattached to someone in a way that is both emotionally and physically intense, you’re able to focus all of that love and attention entirely on yourself. (This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t focus love and attention on yourself while you’re in a long-term relationship as well, because you should be, you’re able to do it much more easily when you are single.)
I knew that I eventually wanted to settle down with someone. However, I also recognized that I should enjoy this time while it lasted, because I wouldn’t be single forever. I took myself on dates, went on solo trips around the world, splurged every once in a while on something I wanted to treat myself with. I ate cake when I felt like it, built my business from the ground up, and took on whatever crafty endeavours I desired. Whenever I wanted to do something, I just did it. I took care of myself, focused all of my love and energy and commitment on myself. Because of this, I value myself even more now that I am with someone long-term. I understand now, more than ever, the importance of continuing to show myself the same amounts of self-love.
You’ll know when you’re ready to be in a relationship, whether it’s jumping straight into something physical or gradually working on building intimacy without sex. Throughout the entire process of being single and, if you choose, shifting into coupling off with someone who you care about, be sure that you are trusting yourself entirely. Let your instincts guide you. You know yourself better than anyone... don’t forget that.
While you may be arguing, “All my friends are in relationships and I no longer want to be the only single friend in my friend group,” this isn’t a justified reason to jump into a serious relationship with someone (or even to feel required to start sleeping with someone new when you’re not ready). The decision to date someone should be made because you want to do it, not because you’re being pressured into feeling obligated by those around you.
Until then, learn how to be single and happy and embrace your current situation. When the time is right, you’ll know for yourself.
Have you ever been the only single friend in your friend group? What are your tips on how to be single and happy? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
