Sleeping With Someone New (And Is the Three-Date Rule Still Valid?)
Once you’ve entered into a romantic relationship (or have decided to begin navigating a friends with benefits relationship), the topic of when to sleep together or whether you should wait to have sex will likely come up. While sex can feel great physically and emotionally under the right circumstances and with the right person, it could result in completely opposite results when the situation is not ideal.
To avoid regret and feelings of guilt or shame, here are some of the questions you should be reflecting on, prior to deciding when to sleep with someone new.
Am I being pressured into sleeping with them?
From blowjobs and cunnilingus to handjobs and fingering, not a single aspect of your sexual encounters with anyone should be initiated due to a feeling of pressure to do so. There’s no such thing as it being “just” foreplay or “just” non-penetrative sex.
It doesn’t matter what society says about how long you should wait to sleep with someone (nor the average number of dates before sleeping together), you need to feel equal parts assured and excited about your sexual choices each and every time.
Do I feel safe around this person?
If wondering when to sleep with someone new, you must be sure that they are someone you can trust on all fronts. That they will always ask for consent, be upfront about any sexually transmitted infections they may have, and will not try to persuade you to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable with. It doesn’t matter if it’s anything from butt play or certain sex positions, or simply trusting them to stop when you say “no.”
Does this person respect me?
How long should you wait to sleep with someone? While there isn’t a cut and dried answer, determining if the person respects you is a solid starting point.
For example, do they respond in a sex-positive way when you are both sexting (including when sending nudes)? Have they ever slut-shamed you, or any other man or woman, that you know of? Knowing that they have respect for you before any physical, sexual encounters is an important way to better ensure that they will be aware of you and your boundaries when the time comes.
Will we practise safe sex?
Before concluding when to sleep with someone new, think about how you will practise self-care. Whether you are hoping to avoid sexually transmitted infections or have sex when you have an STI already, safety is critical.
Talk to your partner about going to get an STI test together or, if that is not something you would be comfortable with, about what forms of protection you will use to prevent the spread and contraction of infections.
Is a bit of awkwardness okay with us both?
When the thought of bodily noises and not looking absolutely perfect is a terrifying notion to you, then it’s probably best to wait to have sex. It’s not just the first time you have sex and lose your virginity that may have awkward aspects, but every time you start sleeping with someone new and become used to your unique bodies.
It’s not until you put aside your uncertainties relating to self-image and recognize that neither of you is ‘picture perfect’ that you can comfortably move forward with a sexual relationship.
Do I need to follow the three-date rule?
The three-date rule tries to answer the ever-looming question: How long should you wait to sleep with someone new? Just as the name suggests, according to this assumption, the answer is three dates.
However, the average number of dates before sleeping together is irrelevant, as the only important thing is whether or not you and your partner feel comfortable with having sex. This may be on the first date, the third date, or the twentieth date. It holds whether you are keeping your relationship a secret or have already announced it to the world.
Truly, the only opinion that matters is what you both think.
Instead of looking up the average number of dates before sleeping together, decide if you want to wait to have sex (or go ahead with it) based on introspection. Though many people follow the three-date rule, it’s not always a guarantee that the time will be right. Maybe you’re actually ready sooner — depending on the situation — or feel that you need to hold off a while longer. Maybe you’re waiting to make it ‘official,’ or are waiting to have sex until marriage.
Whatever the reason, whenever the time is right, you have to feel comfortable and consent to it.
In your opinion, how long should you wait to sleep with someone new? Does the three-date rule make sense, or does that not matter to you? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
