Friends With Benefits: Is It for You?
The decision to find a friend with benefits is not one that should be taken lightly, whether you decide to have sex with your friend or seek out someone you didn’t previously know.
Along with the development of this non-romantic sexual relationship, there are boundaries that need to be put into place and expectations that need to be made clear before things start to get physical. Today, our host M has their personal friend joining in on the conversation to have a candid chat about their experiences with their own fuck buddies, including how living through a pandemic has affected these relationships.
Here is the transcript of our podcast interview below. You can also stream the audio podcast here!
Between Our Thighs: The decision to find a fuck buddy is not one that should be taken lightly, whether you decide to have sex with your friend or seek out someone you didn’t previously know. Along with the development of this non-romantic sexual relationship, there are boundaries that need to be put in place and expectations that need to be made clear before things start to get physical.
Today, I have my personal friend joining in on the conversation to have a candid chat about our experiences with our own fuck buddies, including how living through a pandemic has affected these relationships.
Hey, how’s it going?
Anonymous: Pretty good! How are you?
BOT: Pretty good, considering that we’re in the middle of a pandemic.
Anonymous: Yeah, the circumstances are not ideal [laugh].
BOT: [Laugh] No, and you know, what we’re talking about today — friends with benefits—
Anonymous: Mhmm.
BOT: Is particularly hard to have during a pandemic.
Anonymous: Oh, you’re telling me [laughs]!
BOT: [Laughs] But, overall, would you recommend a friends with benefits situation outside of a pandemic?
Anonymous: Yeah, if you’re the kind of person for it. I think it’s very subjective to the kind of person you are and how you can handle it, but if you are considering it, I wouldn’t dissuade you from it [laughs].
BOT: Yeah! So, obviously, you have been in a friends with benefits situation.
Anonymous: Mhmm.
BOT: And you’ve also been in a long-term relationship.
Anonymous: Yes, a long-term monogamous relationship.
BOT: Yes, so, do you find that there’s a big difference? Is one better than the other?
Anonymous: I think they’re both different. Obviously, I don’t think one can be better than the other, but it does depend on what you’re looking for, right? But I think the main similarity or meeting point between the two is that you have to have somebody — either dating monogamously long-term or in a friends with benefits — someone that you can actually be friends with and get along with, you know?
BOT: Yes!
Anonymous: For me, with a friends with benefits, it can’t just be somebody that I can’t be attracted to outside of the physical aspect.
BOT: Yeah, at that point, you might as well just be going for a one-night stand kind of thing.
Anonymous: Or just not having someone specific that you go to. It could be someone different every time.
BOT: But there are people who have multiple friends with benefits relationships going on, where they’re friends with multiple people and are [also] sleeping with them.
Anonymous: Mhmm.
BOT: Or having sexual play with them.
Anonymous: I can barely keep more than three friends in my life —
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: So I can only — I can’t imagine it being that easy, with the sexual aspect, on top of it all [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] It’s so true!
Anonymous: [Laughs] But if it works for them, it works for them.
BOT: Yeah, personally, I was thinking that the other day, actually. I’m like, “Honestly, I can barely handle one relationship, let alone...”
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: I can barely handle two casual friends, let alone multiple friends with benefits.
BOT: There’s that sexual aspect that you don’t get from a regular friend, which is kind of tips the tables in their favour.
Anonymous: Yeah, yeah.
BOT: But also, the ‘friend’ aspect of it is important, too.
Anonymous: Of course.
BOT: Like you said, someone that doesn’t drive you crazy or annoy you. Someone that you get along with, really.
Anonymous: Yeah, exactly.
BOT: Because I think, for me, at least, the friends with benefits aspect is nice because you have trust and a rapport built with that person. You know what I mean?
Anonymous: Exactly, yeah, because it’s like this transitioning of friendship to something more, so you don’t have to worry necessarily about other things factoring in that could be potentially emotionally destructive.
BOT: Yes.
Anonymous: Because you already know the person, you know how they are, how they behave. You can kind of predict their responses to things.
BOT: So, how long did you talk to your friends with benefits, prior to actually physically meeting up with them?
Anonymous: Like two months.
BOT: So, you were just texting, or?
Anonymous: Yeah, and I think that makes a big difference because I’m somebody that connects more with communication. That’s a big thing for me, so if I didn’t have that much communication with him initially, I don’t think I would have been comfortable meeting up with him and starting that relationship.
BOT: Yeah, for sure.
Anonymous: For me, it was very important to have that validation of communication, because again, that’s how you get to know somebody. Especially with a relationship like that, for me, at least, you want to know the person that you’re getting involved with because it is kind of a precarious situation.
BOT: Mhmm. Where did you find him? Where did you come across this pleasant fellow [laughs]?
Anonymous: [Laughs] Online, as most people do.
BOT: I mean, it is the twenty-first century.
Anonymous: It is, yeah, exactly.
BOT: And how did it go?
Anonymous: [Laughs] It was good, it was good!
BOT: [Laughs] What were the steps involved when you met up? Did you sleep with him the first time or did you lay out the ground rules?
Anonymous: No, I mean, the ground rules were kind of laid out during the communication over the two months, and it was just more about building a friendship, or even just a relationship that was more than— It’s weird because it’s almost like it has to be more than friends, but less than a romantic relationship, you know?
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: It’s a weird situation because, yeah, you’re friends, but you have to be a little bit more than that. You have to know where that line is.
BOT: It’s interesting, because when you think about it, somebody that you’re in a long-term relationship with, you’re also really good friends that are having sex.
Anonymous: Yes, exactly.
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: But then there’s something different with that because you’re both completely committed to whatever comes up. [It will] be accepted as part of that situation. That’s the difference, then, with a friends with benefits, because you can’t allow everything to come up and be okay with it. It’s against the rules [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] Yep. It’s funny because I can kind of insert here that my friends with benefits relationship turned into a long-term relationship.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: But, I mean, I guess I was playing with fire, to begin with, because it was my ex from five years ago.
Anonymous: Yeah, and I think you also went into it wanting a relationship, and that’s a big distinctive difference.
BOT: [Laughs] I wanted a relationship, but I didn’t, at first, want a relationship with him. I did want a relationship though, because I was dating before that. Like, going on dates before that.
Anonymous: [Laughs] Yeah.
BOT: So, was I looking for a long-term relationship? Yes. Was I looking for sex with him? Also, yes.
Anonymous: And were you looking for a long-term relationship with him? Yes [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] Eventually, yes.
Anonymous: Yes!
BOT: Those were a messy few months.
Anonymous: I know, but whose months weren’t messy at the beginning of this year?
BOT: That’s true, and then, on top of that, there was COVID—
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: And trying to figure out how I felt and if it was worth it in quarantine. When you’re apart from somebody for a couple of months at a time, it’s kind of like, weighing it out.
Anonymous: And that’s so trick too, if you’re just doing a friends with benefits thing, you still have to maintain some sort of interest in the person if you’re not seeing them regularly, right?
BOT: Yes.
Anonymous: Because obviously, it’s different if you’re like, “Okay, we’re in a long-term relationship, so the bond is there, it’s formed, it is what it is regardless of how much time you’re taking apart.” But when it comes to friends with benefits, there has to be some sort of active communication in order to maintain the level of interest, so that you can pick it up where you left off.
BOT: Yeah, and it’s interesting because my now-partner and I were messaging each other throughout the day every day when we weren’t actually dating (when we were just sleeping together).
Anonymous: Mhmm.
BOT: And you had mentioned that your friends with benefits was reaching out and talking about things that you said were annoying and sending you links to things.
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: So, there’s the difference, where I was falling for my ex again and he really was just a guy that you were friendly with [laughs].
Anonymous: Yeah! Well, I think the difference was that, for me, the communication started — and again, the situation was so different [and] everything changed so quickly because of COVID.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: So, when we were having our communication, we were constantly communicating, and that was fine because we knew we would meet up or we knew that we would have our ‘get-together’ or whatever.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: But then, when COVID started and we knew that there wouldn’t be easy access to all of that, it became almost this—
BOT: Like a chore?
Anonymous: Not even like a chore, but communication shifted and when that happens, it feels weirdly inconsistent. So, you’re all of a sudden now [almost] talking to a new person because everything’s so different.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: So, then, when communication changes and it becomes more leaning towards something else, it gets a bit annoying because it’s like, “That’s not the person I was talking to before.” Do you know what I mean?
BOT: Yeah, like they’re trying too hard.
Anonymous: Or not even that. They’re trying too hard or they’re not being the same way they were before, but then, the circumstances were different before.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: So, it’s really, again, tricky to navigate that and I experienced that first-hand [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] And how do you deal with that? What do you say?
Anonymous: I think for that, actually, just communication. Bring it up and you say, “This is how I’m feeling and this is what I’m interpreting, so can you explain yourself?” [Laughs]
And then someone who’s good at communication will explain themselves openly and honestly and you’ll feel okay with it, but if they’re not good with communication — which I think a lot of people aren’t — they tend to not try to upset you or try to avoid blame, so they’ll say things that aren’t necessarily always genuine.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: And then that can come off as really suspicious [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: But then you feel like you’re not being lied to, but misled in some way, so then that can get annoying. Then, you remember that I took a break from that communication. I asked him to take a break for a month, at least.
BOT: And he didn’t wait that long.
Anonymous: No, it was— yeah [laughs]. So, the communication was still going, so it was frustrating because I was still trying to recalibrate my connection to him and transition into this new phase of, “Okay, this is now post-COVID and things can be the way that they were before that.” Then, also, at the same time, I was learning about this new person who I just met, and then learning about how he’s reacting in a crisis. This kind of persona, I didn’t know before.
So, it’s just a lot of learning. I needed the time and the space to understand that.
BOT: Yeah, for sure, and I feel like I’ve learned a lot about myself during COVID.
Anonymous: Yeah, exactly!
BOT: And about my friends and family.
Anonymous: Yeah!
BOT: Yeah, and just seeing how people are reacting in, like you said, a crisis.
Anonymous: Yeah, so you’re just learning. You’re constantly learning about people and things and how it relates to your life and how it’s going to be after COVID.
BOT: Thank God for therapy [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs] Oh, yes! Amen!
BOT: Honestly, therapy has been such a huge thing for me.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: For the past few years, but then I took a break and under the guidance of a very good friend [laughs, because she is referring to Anonymous] I started therapy again when I started up my friends with benefits relationship.
Anonymous: Yeah, yeah, you should hold onto that friend [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] Should I?
Anonymous: I don’t know, it sounds like they gave you really good advice.
BOT: I think they’re a really good friend. I wish I could tell them [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs] You should call them up! Do it now.
BOT: Ring, ring. Is your phone ringing?
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: You’ve told me that you don’t talk about your friends with benefits situation with your therapist?
Anonymous: Yeah, I know, which is weird because you’d think that that would be something that you’d talk about when it comes to emotional distress.
BOT: Because it can kind of fuck you up.
Anonymous: Yeah, it can. As if I’m an authority, but it’s more likely to fuck you up if you’re going into it with different expectations.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: I went into it with a very clear idea of what I wanted and how I wanted it to pan out, so I didn’t need to flesh anything else in therapy. Maybe once or twice just to get my bearings straight.
You know when it was? It was during that period of no communication; I literally just needed to get my thoughts in order and that’s— yeah.
BOT: And I start my first session with a brand-new therapist and I’m like, “Hey, listen. I’m sleeping with my ex.”
Anonymous: You’re like, “This is going to be ex-related therapy only.” [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs] No, for the first while it was. That was literally just what I talked about.
Anonymous: Mhmm.
BOT: I was hashing it out because I was trying to figure out my own emotions.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: Yeah, and I’m like, why am I sleeping with him? Why am I not finding somebody else to sleep with?
Anonymous: Yeah, is there an answer to that question?
BOT: [Pauses] No.
Anonymous: [Laughs] Mmm.
BOT: [Laughs] It was basically just like, “Well, how do you feel? Does this feel right?” At the time, it felt right and every session I would check-in and she’d be like, “Does this still feel right?”
Anonymous: [Laughs] “Check in!”
BOT: Yup, “It’s feeling good!”
Anonymous: Yeah, that’s good, though. It’s important to know when something feels right or when it doesn’t, and being in touch with that.
BOT: Yeah. I really had to stop and think, “Does this feel right emotionally or is this just feeling right physically?
Anonymous: Right, exactly [laughs], and that’s a big distinction to make because it’s easy to confuse the two.
BOT: It had been a long dry spell. Coming out of that was beautiful.
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs] It was a celebration.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: And I think it was also a celebration for you [laughs].
Anonymous: Mhmm, it was [laughs]. It was like a very big transition.
BOT: For you to emotionally—
Anonymous: Adjusting! [Laughs]
BOT: You had to go to therapy for my friends with benefits situation [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: I’m the one sending you to therapy. It’s funny, because talking to my therapist, and — I guess, well, you didn’t talk to your therapist about it, but — when he and I started talking about becoming an actual ‘thing,’ like actually getting into a serious monogamous relationship, there were these ground rules that were there before. These dynamics are going to shift.
Also, with talking to my therapist (backtracking), the ground rules, to begin with. What were the ground rules going into that relationship? When we first started sleeping together, it was just, “Okay, I’m not interested in dating, this is going to be super casual. Whenever I’m in the city and you’re around, we’ll meet up.” Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: And off you go. There wasn’t going to be any emotional aspect to it or ‘hanging out.’ Because I knew him previously, it wasn’t like I was worried about, “Okay, I have to meet him in a public place because he’s going to try to murder me.” There was already that comfort, but then I guess he could have [laughs]. Things can change in half a decade.
Anonymous: You don’t know anybody [laughs]!
BOT: You could kill me the next time we see each other.
Anonymous: Exactly, you don’t know me [laughs]. You can’t trust anybody, not even yourself.
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: You might just be taking yourself out for dinner and killing yourself.
BOT: Literally taking myself out, like I’m mob [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: But, yeah! What were your ground rules when you started your friends with benefits relationship?
Anonymous: Wow, it feels like it was ages ago, so I have to try and remember [laughs].
BOT: And did you both contribute [to] sit down and be like, “Okay, this is what I want” and he’s like, “This is what I want”?
Anonymous: Yeah, I mean, I think he had never had a friends with benefits before, so for him, his idea of that situation was to start it off with this thought of a relationship and I had to keep making it clear that that was not what I wanted.
BOT: Okay.
Anonymous: But one big rule for me was that I still wanted a level of respect.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: Sexually, emotionally, in terms of friendship. Just to have that level of respect for each other.
BOT: As you would have with a regular friend that you’re not sleeping with!
Anonymous: Yeah, exactly. That was a general ground rule of humanity [laughs], not even specific to that kind of relationship.
BOT: Don’t be a piece of shit.
Anonymous: Exactly, yeah.
BOT: And what about kissing?
Anonymous: What about it?
BOT: Was that a no-go, or?
Anonymous: No.
BOT: Because for some people, that creates a deepened bond.
Anonymous: Oh, I mean, how do you—? I don’t think I could get into the situation without kissing.
BOT: I remember once, years ago, I had strep throat, but I still wanted to have sex, so I was like, “Okay, we just won’t kiss,” and it was so weird.
Anonymous: Yeah, and it’s also easier when you’re with a partner because you already know each other’s buttons, but when it’s somebody new, kissing is the most intimate thing you can do to kind of spark that up.
BOT: Or totally kill it [laughs].
Anonymous: What do you mean?
BOT: Like, kisses that are so bad, where you’re like, “Okay, no, I can never sleep with this person.”
Anonymous: Oh, yes. Exactly.
BOT: Ever.
Anonymous: Yeah. Oh, you know what’s really hard? When you kiss someone new for the first time and you have to figure out the rhythm. The rhythm is off.
BOT: Yeah, because it’s a new person.
Anonymous: Yeah, so you really have to— You do, and you’re like, “Oh, okay, this is going to take a little bit of time to work through to get our rhythms on the same track.”
BOT: [Laughs] I don’t know, it just popped into my head— you know what situation I’m talking about, where the kiss was just so bad and I almost puked in my mouth [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: It was the worst thing I had ever experienced [laughs].
Anonymous: Now, was that the worst thing in general or because the rhythms were off and it just needed more time to—?
BOT: No.
Anonymous: To sort itself?
BOT: No [laughs]. No.
Anonymous: Okay.
BOT: No, no, no, no [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs] Just checking, just checking to make sure.
BOT: Honestly, I wish it was, but it wasn’t.
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: And I can’t even feel bad about it.
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: So, yes to kissing.
Anonymous: Yes, of course, yeah. I don’t see an issue with it.
BOT: I have another friend who was like, “No, we don’t— I won’t kiss him because—”
Anonymous: So what do you do? You’re just, “Oh, hey, how’s it going?” and then bam, right into it? [Laughs] How do you go from Point A to Point C?
BOT: I don’t know, I guess you just go to foreplay?
Anonymous: I guess so.
BOT: And then I have another friend who literally told me, “Kisses are the same things as hugs.” We’ve gone clubbing together and she literally makes out with every person.
Anonymous: [Laughs] Okay!
BOT: I remember telling her, “Oh, man, you don’t know where all these people’s mouths have been,” and she’s like, “But kisses are like hugs. You just give them to whoever.”
Anonymous: Who told her that [laughs]?
BOT: Her! It was her life motto.
Anonymous: [Laughs] Alright, whatever floats your boat.
BOT: I’m like, “You know what? Good for you!”
Anonymous: Yeah, do it! But like, those are two opposites on the spectrum.
BOT: Yes, yeah, so there’s this huge range and then it’s like, “Okay, well, where do you fit in?” Personally, I wouldn’t be able to manage multiple friends with benefits at once. Like you said, I can’t even handle multiple friends at once [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs] It’s true.
BOT: So, there’s— Yeah, you just got to pick your battles [laughs].
And how many people know about your situation? Is it still going on?
Anonymous: Yeah, it’s still an active situation [laughs], just not a sexually active one yet.
BOT: How many people know about it?
Anonymous: I don’t think anyone really knows. I mean, a few friends know about it, but they don’t really know details, and that was a big thing for me. I didn’t want to give details because I wanted it to not be— It’s not like, “Oh, I’m introducing them to—”
BOT: A “thing.”
Anonymous: Letting them know who it is like it’s a potential boyfriend or you know what I mean? I didn’t want it to be legitimized in that way.
BOT: I remember [laughs] I just wanted to know his name.
Anonymous: Mhmm.
BOT: Because I’m like, “She’s going to go and meet up with this guy and get murdered.”
Anonymous: It’s a good thing because snitches get stitches. You don’t go and say anything [laughs].
BOT: ”I would say [to] check her phone, but she had her phone on silent.” [Laughs]
Anonymous: [Laughs] Yeah.
BOT: The police are going to be like, “Hmm, I don’t know. Sounds like a her problem.” [Laughs]
And then, you— I didn’t want to tell you about my situation at first, because my first thought is, “Oh, she’s going to kill me.”
Anonymous: I know.
BOT: I didn’t tell you because I was scared for my life.
Anonymous: [Laughs] And I figured it out!
BOT: And then you figured it out and you guessed.
Anonymous: Yeah, I just knew from the energy, man. I knew it.
BOT: [Flustered sounds]
Anonymous: I knew it.
BOT: Details!
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: Go on.
Anonymous: I just knew, because — well, I don’t want to get into it, but — I knew because of how comfortable you were with the idea of doing that, and I was like, “Oh, so it’s obviously a rehashing of something, obviously, because she would not just go out and meet somebody new and be comfortable with that.” So...
BOT: [Laughs] You can’t trust them.
Anonymous: No!
BOT: [Laughs] Overall, it is a great way to experiment sexually and try out new things, even if you don’t end up dating that person.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: Or you have a bunch of different friends with benefits relationships over the course of years, [and] whether you decide to settle down with somebody or not, you learn more about yourself sexually.
Anonymous: Mhmm!
BOT: What you want, what you enjoy, and I think there’s something great about these situations because really, there’s a lack of commitment. You can say, “Hey, I want to try this,” and if you decide that you don’t want to meet up with them again, you don’t have to.
Anonymous: Mhmm, yeah, exactly.
BOT: I mean, technically you could break up with somebody and not have— But it’s more complex, at that point.
Anonymous: Yeah, exactly.
BOT: But yeah, in a casual situation like this, I could be, “Hey, I wanna see if I like anal. Let’s do it.”
Anonymous: [Laughs] Oh, my God!
BOT: [Laughs] Or like, “I got this new toy, let’s try it.”
Anonymous: Oh!
BOT: Let me see if I like this.
Anonymous: That’s funny. You know, I think I disagree with that because I think I’d feel more comfortable doing new things with a partner than I would with just a casual friends with benefits.
BOT: But with a partner — and yes, I can see what you’re saying — but with a long-term partner, you would need to be with them for a while to build that comfort level.
Anonymous: Right.
BOT: But if you woke up today and you’re like, “Hey, you know what?”
Anonymous: But it would need that comfort level regardless, so if it was with a friends with benefits, that comfort level wouldn’t be there, anyway.
BOT: True.
Anonymous: I’m just saying, in this scenario, the thought process of feeling a bit more comfortable with a long-term partner.
BOT: But have you, with your friends with benefits, have you tried anything new that you might not have previously, with whoever you dated long-term in the past?
Anonymous: Yeah, we had sex in a public bathroom.
BOT: Mmmm.
Anonymous: Yeah, and that’s something I’ve never done before.
BOT: Would you do that again, in the future?
Anonymous: Oh yeah, definitely.
BOT: Okay.
Anonymous: Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. I think that what you’re saying, knowing that you like, that taught me — not ‘taught’ me, but it showed me — that I kind of have, that I enjoy the thrill of potentially getting caught or doing something in a place where you’re not supposed to do it.
BOT: For sure.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: Or that aspect of not quite exhibitionism, but on the brink of it.
Anonymous: Exactly, yeah!
BOT: What about voyeurism?
Anonymous: Like me being the voyeur, or being—?
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: Yeah, but that didn’t— I don’t think that really played into effect with what we were doing, so I didn’t really get to experience it. Yeah, but definitely the exhibitionist factor, because we also did fool around in a movie theatre, which I then found out later on that there are cameras in movie theatres.
BOT: Oh, my God! [Laughs]
Anonymous: Yeah, they watch the audience to make sure no one is filming the movie, but yeah. Little did I know.
BOT: [Laughs] You were enjoying the show and they were enjoying the show.
Anonymous: [Said in unison, laughing] And they were enjoying the show.
So, yeah, you can imagine my horror when I figured that out. [Laughs]
BOT: Your horror or your secret thrill.
Anonymous: I was a little bit like, “Ooh, okay...”
BOT: Okay! So, when lockdown is over and movie theatres open up again...?
Anonymous: That’s why they shut them down, to begin with [laughs]. They were like, “We’re done with this.”
BOT: It’s all because of you! [Laughs]
Anonymous: [Laughs] That was the last straw.
BOT: ”These two have ruined it for everybody.”
Anonymous: [Laughs] I apologize to everybody. You can’t go to movie theatres now.
BOT: Maybe the person who was watching it is listening and they’re like, “So that’s her.”
Anonymous: If you’re listening, please call in and tell us! [Laughs]
BOT: Tell us for how long, did you get yourself off?
Anonymous: Yeah, tell us what we could improve [on] the next time around.
BOT: [Laughs] Because we take feedback very seriously.
Anonymous: We do! We have a feedback mailbox.
BOT: It’s very important, yeah.
[Laughs] So, at any point, did you find that you were developing feelings for him or vice-versa (he was developing feelings for you)?
Anonymous: I think, you know what? I think if, as I look back after being in the COVID lockdown and all that stuff, I think if we had continued on at the pace we were at, at that point, I think both of us would have gotten a little bit in too deep. So, it’s almost like the Universe sorted that out for us and was like, “Ehh, let’s cool this down a little bit.”
BOT: So, again, everybody is in lockdown because of you [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs] Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry the world revolves around me.
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re just a part of it.
BOT: You are the sun and everybody else is orbiting around you.
Anonymous: I know, I’m sorry [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] So, what do you do in that situation? I guess, your options are to either call things off completely or work through it?
Anonymous: Yeah, listen. Honestly, I think about it now, and I’m like, “I think I would have gotten really caught up in it, in the moment,” but now that I’ve gone through the separation of it and I look back, I’m like, “Okay, in that situation, I think what I would have done is communicate and also make it a point to take a step back and slow it down.” For sure.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: Kind of like what I did with that month of no communication, just to detach a little bit. It’s always easy to get caught up in it all, right?
BOT: For sure.
Anonymous: Especially because it’s new, it’s fun, it’s exciting, and then your mind has a hard time separating everything and compartmentalizing it all, you know?
BOT: Okay, in hindsight I can say this now, but I think the timing with mine was perfect because we started seeing each other early in the year and we had a couple of months pre-lockdown to kind of reconnect again.
Anonymous: Mhmm.
BOT: And it was during COVID that both of our plans for the future kind of went to shit and we were like, “Okay, yeah, let’s—”
Anonymous: ”Let’s just settle and date each other”?
BOT: [Laughs] No, not settle! “Let’s see where this goes”! No, definitely not settling.
Anonymous: [Laughs] Okay, but I think also, to continue on with that, I think it worked that way for me too, because I had come out of a long-term relationship, so when I went into that relationship with my friends with benefits, it was— emotions were still kind of there, left over from my last relationship, right?
BOT: Yeah, and things that still hadn’t fully settled.
Anonymous: Yeah, exactly.
BOT: Which is normal.
Anonymous: Not even about the relationship, but even about myself as a person now, who’s single.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: It’s like I needed that time to figure out who I was outside of a relationship with a man.
BOT: And it’s so funny because we were finally single at the same time and I was like, “Hey, so...”
Anonymous: [Laughs] Yeah.
BOT: [Laughs] “Guess what?” But it’s not like we were planning this Hot Girl Summer and obviously that—
Anonymous: But we were planning that!
BOT: That’s what I mean!
Anonymous: Oh, okay, yeah.
BOT: Yeah, we were planning this Hot Girl Summer and it just wasn’t in the cards for us anyways, because of COVID.
Anonymous: I know, what a shame.
BOT: Honestly, I think about it sometimes and I miss the days of just being hot and sweaty and clothed in next to nothing.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: Just dancing in a crowded room.
Anonymous: Look, it’ll be back soon and then we’re going to be annoyed when we’re back in the crowds again.
BOT: Yeah, and I’m going to be like, “Ugh, I hate people!”
Anonymous: [Laughs] Yeah.
BOT: You’re making me seem horrible.
Anonymous: I bring it out in you!
BOT: I was just going to say: you bring out the worst in me [laughs].
Anonymous: I don’t know, you just feel comfortable being your true self around me, that’s why! It’s not my fault.
BOT: Does that mean we’re in a long-term relationship?
Anonymous: Well, yeah, technically, but we’re in one that we didn’t agree to. Like, we just ended up in one [laughs].
BOT: Yeah, you’re my longest relationship [laughs].
Anonymous: We’re friends with benefits that turned into a relationship, but we’re like, “What the fuck happened?” while looking back five years later [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] We’re both going to be in the senior home on rocking chairs.
Anonymous: Going, “This bitch is still here?”
BOT: Checking out the other old ladies’ grandsons.
Anonymous: It’s so true!
BOT: ”That one looks like Zac Efron!” [Laughs]
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: [Said in a Southern American accent] “Well, back in my day!” I don’t know why I have a Southern accent all of a sudden [laughs].
Anonymous: [Laughs] I think you develop one when you turn eighty. Everybody does, everybody does.
BOT: [Laughs] Yeah. [Southern accent] “I’m just gonna sit on my rockin’ chair eatin’ some cornbread and drinkin’ sweet tea.”
Anonymous: Yeah!
BOT: While jerking off to my — what were they — J-14 magazines with Zac Efron.
Anonymous: Tiger Beat.
BOT: Tiger Beat, I remember those!
Anonymous: What about Sixteen? Sweet Sixteen?
BOT: Oh, Sixteen! [Actually called “Seventeen Magazine”] Oh, my God, the amount of money I spent on those—
Anonymous: Same!
BOT: And plastered my walls with all those posters.
Anonymous: Same, just for the big posters.
BOT: Those teenyboppers. That sounds like something my nana would say.
Anonymous: Well, you are your nana now. You’ve morphed into her [laughs].
BOT: [Laughs] We’ve come full circle and I’m back in a home.
Anonymous: [Laughs] This is it.
BOT: [Laughs] Back to the topic. At any point, did you feel like it just wasn’t going to work out with your friends with benefits? Say, pre-COVID.
Anonymous: Pre-COVID? No.
BOT: When things were more normal.
Anonymous: No, things were fine, but again, it was so early on and I was only just getting to know him, so I feel like at some point — and this could be my emotional issues coming out, but — in my head, I just assumed that you learn about people and you learn about their good sides and their dark sides.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: And that had yet to emerge, so I feel like— Early on no, it was fine, but I feel like maybe in a little bit, I would have discovered new things that maybe would have made it a little bit difficult.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: And then during COVID, well, we had talked about how you were kind of getting irritated and stuff and you took that one-month hiatus.
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: Do you find that that was kind of a breaking point, where you were thinking that maybe this isn’t going to work out?
Anonymous: Yeah, definitely. Yeah, where I needed— and again, COVID is such a unique situation and I’m sure everybody felt drained at that time, emotionally drained, but it just felt like my energy was being occupied in conversation that wasn’t satisfying or fulfilling based on the rules we had established early on in our friends with benefits relationship. You know what I mean?
BOT: Like, in the sense that he was trying to deepen the relationship?
Anonymous: No, in the sense that it was more completely— it started getting to the point of just friends. Which is fine, obviously, but it felt like it leaned one way so much in the beginning and then started leaning the other way so much, too.
BOT: Oh, okay.
Anonymous: Where it [was] just kind of just more exhausting to have conversations that didn’t really satisfy me [laughs].
BOT: Yeah, and also, just in general, with a regular friend, you don’t really want friends that feel exhausting.
Anonymous: Yeah, and I’m somebody who enjoys really deep conversation, right? No matter who the person is [or] the conversation, it has to be on a level that’s a little bit deeper, so when it’s constantly surface-level conversation, that’s exhausting because it doesn’t really do much for the relationship.
BOT: Mhmm.
Anonymous: You’re not really forming any sort of new bonding. It’s like, what’s the point?
BOT: Surface-level conversations are for meeting people for the first time, that you’re not really going to meet again.
Anonymous: Exactly, yeah. It’s like, sir, I know you, you’re dick was in my mouth, you know what I mean?
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: Let’s talk about that! [Laughs]
Anonymous: Okay, yeah.
BOT: [Laughs] I mean, if you want to talk about that, I’m here for it.
Anonymous: Yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s the truth, right? That’s why it’s more than friends, because you’re on this level that you’re not on with your friends.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: But it’s less than a relationship, so it’s [about] finding that middle ground.
BOT: Yeah. Do you find you expect more out of the relationship than you would with a long-term relationship? In terms of, sexually, when you meet up, do you expect [for example] to have an orgasm?
Anonymous: Yes, but I don’t expect it to be completely up to the other person. I think half of that onus of having an orgasm is up to you, as well. To tell them what gets you off and how they can do that.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: So, I don’t ever have that pressure where I— I don’t feel like I had any— I feel like my sex life is very dependent on me and my ability to say what I want.
BOT: For sure.
Anonymous: I think I’m just much more domineering when it comes to sex because I don’t like to not talk about things.
BOT: Mhmm. Oh, for sure, in general.
Anonymous: Exactly, yeah, but particularly with sex because I know what I like, I know what works for me, so why wouldn’t I tell the person that I’m sleeping with?
BOT: I’ll do the same thing. Let them know what they’re doing right.
Anonymous: Exactly.
BOT: Or what they can change to make it a more pleasurable experience because, at the end of the day, you’re having sex for pleasure.
Anonymous: Exactly, and there was a point when we were having sex where, having gone from a long-term relationship where the other person knew my body inside and [out], knew it completely, now going to someone new, I realized— there was a moment where I was like, “Oh, he doesn’t know the motions to do in certain situations. I have to now train this person to know what works for me.”
So, I literally had to move his hand from where it was and take his thumb and put it on my clit because that’s— my last partner would have known to do that.
BOT: Wait, he didn’t know where the clit was?
Anonymous: No, he just didn’t know that that was what I needed in that moment.
BOT: Okay, whew.
Anonymous: Whereas my old partner would have known immediately, in that moment.
BOT: Oh, my God. I was breaking out [in] a sweat, like, “Oh, no! You poor thing! Why are you still talking to him?” [Laughs]
Anonymous: Yeah, that’s the biggest transition for me was [that] this person doesn’t know anything about me and what I like, whereas before, it was such an easy dance to do.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: But then again, half of that fun is that it’s not as repetitive or the same all the time, as it would have been in a long-term relationship. That’s the fun of having a friends with benefits that’s new because it’s completely different than what you’ve ever experienced before.
BOT: For sure. Well, we talked about how you had these ground rules, which I had as well, but obviously, things can change. Ground rules, in the sense of things that are not major— major breaking points — but what would be a sign in a friends with benefits relationship, that you need to walk out and leave that person behind? Whether you realize you need to leave that person and move onto another friends with benefits or long-term (whatever you want next), or just that friends with benefits isn’t working for you.
Anonymous: For me, like I mentioned before, respect is a big thing. When you’re in a scenario — and I think a lot of people might see the friends with benefits as deserving less respect in the sense of, “Oh, it’s not a real relationship,” but at the same time, it’s still a relationship. It’s still between two people.
BOT: Yeah.
Anonymous: And you’re potentially friends. There needs to be a level of respect there, so when the other person starts doing or saying things that are disrespectful or purposely trying to incite something in you that you might not like to feel, that’s when it has to be reconsidered. Obviously, first, communicate it, talk about it.
BOT: Yes.
Anonymous: Then, if it doesn’t change, then that has to be reconsidered if you want to be in that situation.
BOT: For sure, yeah, and I think obviously, then, if things turn abusive emotionally, physically—
Anonymous: Yeah.
BOT: Sexually— if there’s a consensual agreement of BDSM or whatever, that’s totally different, but if they just start hitting you around for no reason.
Anonymous: Yeah, but it doesn’t even have to be that ‘big’ of a situation, it could even be small, microaggressions that you might feel uncomfortable with. That’s enough to say— You don’t have to think of it as, “I’m overreacting.” No, your feelings are valid and that’s enough to talk about.
BOT: For sure.
Anonymous: Even though, in your head, you might be like, “They’re not a real relationship, so it’s not a big deal.” It doesn’t matter. They are a relationship in your life and you have the power to decide if you want to keep it or not.
BOT: Whether it’s a casual relationship or a long-term relationship or a friendship.
Anonymous: Yes!
BOT: Even your own family.
Anonymous: Yeah, it’s still taking your energy, so you have to decide if it deserves that.
BOT: Very well said.
Anonymous: [Laughs]
BOT: So, on that note of all of this, at Between Our Thighs, the goal is to create sex-positivism as much as possible, everywhere that’s possible. The idea of sex positivity takes on a different meaning for each person. So, what does it mean to you?
Anonymous: Sex positivity, for me, would mean just getting really in-tune with yourself on a level that’s different than what we’re taught to be on or to know ourselves on. Just really taking the time to get to know what makes you tick without the stigma and the taboo around it. Freely being able to express your sexual needs, desires, interests in a way that would be just as comfortable as you would express what you like or dislike with your friends or with the food you like. Just making it so comfortable that you don’t feel ashamed when you’re actually participating in the act.
BOT: And how do you think somebody can do that? How can somebody take that advice and actually implement it?
Anonymous: That’s a good question.
BOT: [Laughs]
Anonymous: I think everyone is so different, right? For me, it’s always allowing myself the space to explore it, even if it’s just in my own head, at first. To play with an idea and see how it feels to put that on and not be— I think a lot of people might shy away from it, even just the thought of doing certain things, because of how they’ve been raised or what they’ve been taught.
So, just giving yourself a little bit of room to play around with that stuff and see how it feels and you might even realize, “You know what, I don’t even like that” or “Oh, that is actually something that aligns with me and who I am and what I want.”
BOT: I love that!
Anonymous: Mhmm.
BOT: Very good [laugh].
Anonymous: [Laugh]
BOT: No, thank you! Thank you for sharing.
Anonymous: You’re welcome!
BOT: And thank you for joining us.
Anonymous: Oh, thank you for having me.
BOT: Those are all the questions that I had.
Anonymous: We made it through!
BOT: We did it [laughs]!
