Rebuilding a Relationship With Your Ex the Right Way
Once upon a time, I was convinced that any person who considered getting back together with their ex was out of their mind. I believed that there was no way to adequately make up and fix your relationship, whether it was a recent breakup or a romance that ended years prior. While there are undoubtedly many situations where rebuilding a relationship with an ex should be avoided (for example, if there were situations of abuse), in some cases, it just may work.
After all, it did for me.
To be clear, this isn’t going to be an article about how to get your ex back or how to make an old flame fall in love with you again. This will be about genuinely taking the time to pause and reflect on if you’re both ready to make things ‘official’ and to have a better relationship than you did before.
Understand the difference between lust and love
It's easy to feel a sexual connection to your ex-partner, especially if your previous relationship was a sexual one. Personally, mine started as texting, which turned into a friends with benefits relationship, and then, in time, a friends with benefits relationship turned into something more.
While seducing your partner and feeling an attraction (and, let's be honest, having sexual chemistry) is incredibly important to a long-term relationship, it's also crucial that you put in the work to build intimacy without sex. That is, while you want passion, mutual compassion is necessary for a relationship to have a chance at lasting for the long haul. This is often a great starting point for determining if your feelings are purely — or even predominantly — sexual, or something with a little more substance. It's the difference between lust and love (or what could become love in the future).
If you realize that this rekindling relationship is based solely on lust, think twice about how you'll progress forward. While that can work for some, it will likely feel like an FWB situation rather than a romance of substance. Over time, it can become difficult to communicate openly, discuss your goals, and clarify the direction your relationship is heading. When you find yourself entirely caught up in just your sex life, it takes away from the opportunities to get to know each other better (the 'new' versions of yourselves that you want to date going forward — not the ex you broke up with). Ultimately, you have to ask yourself: am I giving myself the chance to see if they have changed for the better, or if I’m hoping for a shift in character that hasn’t happened?
Be clear on where you see the relationship going
Before you make up and come to the final decision to get back together with your ex, you have to be clear on the direction you want the relationship to go. Of course, it's important to hear what they have to say as well because you may not be on the same page. If someone is not entirely clear on what they desire and expect, you can't make assumptions on their behalf; ask them the right questions to get the answers you want and need.
It's easy to skirt around certain subjects that you may not feel comfortable opening up about and delving into, then to say, “But you never asked,” when the issue inevitably arises. Ask them (and yourself): do I envision this relationship lasting long-term? Am I hoping to take things slow and go with the flow? Am I confident that I can stay committed to this person for the foreseeable future, or am I just hoping to enjoy the perks of having my ex as a partner again for a short while? If we're not in complete agreement, is that a relationship deal-breaker for me?
So, if you find yourself wondering what to talk about on a first date with your ex as a potentially new couple, now you know what to discuss. As you can imagine, with a history under your belts, it's not the typical first date topics that will come up in conversation. Instead, don't be shy to address the topics of conversation that are most important to you, even if they seem 'heavy' for a 'first date.' In doing so, you can feel confident that you are both making the right decision for the right reasons, without worrying about whether or not you see eye-to-eye.
Evaluate your beliefs, morals, and future goals
You can't fix your relationship if your beliefs, morals, and future goals are not aligned with each other. Arguably, these very things are what unites a couple and keep them moving in the same, unanimous direction. Therefore, it becomes critical to get these things on the table and address all of your concerns before becoming an official couple. That is, as much as possible, tackling these topics now prevents them from becoming an issue down the road.
Personally, I wrote down everything important to me, that I felt I needed to address before committing to my now-partner. We had set a time to meet up in-person to talk about everything, prepared to delve into heavy subjects as much as we were ready to pick through the little things. At times like these, where you're deciding if it's worth the effort and emotional investment in one another, everything counts.
Some questions to keep in mind include:
What do you expect me to bring to the table in this relationship? What are you bringing to it?
Are you committed to staying in this relationship for the long-haul, providing we're both still feeling into it, or are you looking at this as a short-term fling?
Are you looking for a monogamous relationship?
What are the essential relationship boundaries you have?
What are your personal relationship deal-breakers?
Are you closed off to the idea of marriage in the future?
Do you want children down the road? If so, when? How many children do you ideally want?
Do you feel that you have a sex-positive attitude? How so?
If we experience some hiccups down the road, would you be open to trying couple's therapy?
Keep in mind that things change, so you can revisit these questions as your opinions and goals shift.
Establish an open line of communication going forward
You've addressed the foundational topics relating to rebuilding a relationship with an ex — including how you both perceive your shared future — but it can't just stop here. Learning how to have better conversations with your partner is a fantastic way for significant others to connect and keep their relationship healthy. It's an ongoing effort that you both must make for the duration of the relationship.
This isn't just about those major subjects, either! This is about bringing up small things you're confused or concerned about, including questions you may have to ask your partner and small issues that have come up over the last month. If it helps, jot down the ideas as they pop into your mind.
I find that monthly check-ins are a great tactic, where both of you can bring anything up in a calm and open space. Even when all seems to be going well, it's still great to chat and see how your relationship is doing. Not only can you determine if you're both still on the same page with relationship goals, expectations, and overall satisfaction, but you can bring up the little things, too. We recommend striving to set aside time each month to discuss these things. Eventually, it'll become a habit that you both will cherish.
Of course, if something significant arises in between these check-ins, they should be addressed immediately, if possible. It's better to tackle these things now instead of letting it stew for a long time and allowing your mind to wander by building your own story and making quick judgments. It's best to clarify the situation to each other and work through it sooner, rather than later.
You won't know until you ask.
Take things as slowly as you need
Just because you decide to make up are interested in getting back together, it doesn't mean that you have to rush into things immediately. While my situation started as an FWB situation, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that route; I won't lie, things got messy for a bit.
When having sex with an ex, it's easier than you might think to develop feelings. Consequently, it becomes difficult to distinguish between emotions brought on by physical intimacy and those that stem from your emotional connection to them.
Instead, possibly consider the three-date rule: go on three dates with them, none of which include sex (which can cloud your judgment of their character). Talk about all the important things and make sure that you're on the same page. After you've exhausted all of these crucial topics, it absolutely makes sense to test the waters of your sexual chemistry again... if you feel comfortable doing so. As I mentioned earlier, mutual compassion is vital for a relationship to last long-term, but passion is also the flame that can help keep it alive. It's the cherry on top, so to speak.
Keep in mind that this should be consensual. If either of you isn't yet ready to jump into sex — regardless of the point you feel is the right time to do it — then don't. Take the time to talk about your hesitations and iron out anything you think needs to be worked through before getting physically intimate. That said, you should also take things slow as you reacquaint yourselves with being in a relationship together and getting to know each other in this romantic light yet again.
While I’m not saying it will be easy to figure out, I can assure you that taking the time to speak frankly, honestly, and in-depth with your ex prior to getting back together is well worth your while. In truth, relationships end for a reason, and even if those reasons seem insignificant or no longer relevant now, they're critical to address. In times like these, it doesn't pay to rely on being a hopeless romantic and only wanting to see the best in people.
If you choose to rekindle this relationship, make sure that doing so genuinely feels worthwhile. Remember, it’s not about learning how to get your ex back — it’s about establishing a solid bond and developing intimacy.
What is your opinion about rebuilding a relationship with an ex? Do you think that getting back together after fixing your relationship is possible? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
