Life After Breakup: A Guide for People Coping With an Emotional Divorce
From making it through a trial separation with your spouse to dealing with divorce and the legal process that comes with it, the aftermath of these experiences are typically not easy ones to work through. These are the days and months for introspection and self-reflection and to seek out support from resources that can truly help you move forward, not to focus on things like making your ex miserable or stressing yourself out with questions like “Am I ready for a new relationship?”
Pause, breathe. As challenging as this time might seem at the moment, it will get better. In the meantime, however, before you can see the glimmer of hope in life after divorce, you must first deal with the aftermath of the breakup and divorce depression.
If you have children, don’t get them involved
First things first: let’s address the most crucial point for couples who have children, regardless of age. From the early signs your marriage is failing to carrying out daily life under the custody agreement you and your ex-spouse have agreed upon, we cannot emphasize enough the importance of not involving your children in the drama of your divorce.
Even when you are no longer married and living under the same roof, nurturing your children should remain a top priority. This means that it’s unacceptable to fight in front of your children, nor to place the burdens of your stresses, anger, resentments, and frustrations on them. Parents who try to pit their children against their ex or make them feel as if the divorce is their fault, damage their children emotionally. Naturally, though, your kids will have questions about the divorce and what it means to the family’s future.
Answer questions as openly as honestly as possible, in a way that is age-appropriate and does not place the blame on anyone. Encouraging your children to open up to you and to reassure them that you are there to support them through the process is important; after all, they are likely dealing with plenty of conflicting emotions, too! Legitimizing their feelings, offering support, and helping them understand what’s going on are excellent first steps.
Seek out a counsellor or therapist for support
Whether you’re currently in a trial separation due to marriage problems or have mutually decided that divorce is the best course of action, therapy is so beneficial for everyone involved. In the case of a trial separation, partners may wish to pursue couples’ therapy to tackle topics like conflict resolution, learning how to make their partner a priority, and, ultimately, rebuilding a relationship with your ex (or who could become an ex, should things continue as they are). Counselling is an ideal opportunity to have better conversations with your partner by fostering open communication in front of a ‘mediator’ of sorts.
That said, when maintaining a healthy relationship seems undoable, and a balanced relationship is not in the cards, divorce may be necessary. In these situations, it’s still highly beneficial for you to attend counselling with a therapist of your own, on your own. A trained professional — particularly someone specializing in divorce counselling — can help you navigate the tumultuous emotions often associated with a divorce, guide you in the right direction, and help you come out of this challenging time feeling as ‘intact’ as possible. If you have children, bringing them to a therapist can help as well, to assist them in adjusting to the new life they will be living with separated parents.
Accept help from your support system
Dealing with divorce doesn’t have to be a burden you bear all by yourself. It doesn’t matter if you have had to break up with someone you love or are trying to get over a breakup that your ex-spouse has initiated, separation can feel like a heavy cross to bear. With this in mind, turning to a small network of trusted family members and friends can help alleviate the stress of the situation, even if only slightly. While we certainly don’t recommend airing your marriage’s dirty laundry to anyone who will listen (especially not on social media), opening up to a few people close can provide you with comfort and much-needed companionship. While they may not know what exactly to say or be able to give you a solution to your current problems (after all, working through it may be the only possible solution), trusted friends can be there as you let everything off your chest.
We also recommend checking out local divorce support groups. Here, you can connect with others who are experiencing an ending to their marriages. Although everyone’s situations may differ, even if only slightly, having other perspectives can help with your grieving, coping, and overall recovery processes. In this safe place, members of the support group can openly discuss their thoughts and feelings to come out the best that they can.
Understand that fluctuating emotions are normal
There are many emotional stages of divorce, and preventing yourself from experiencing the ups and downs that come with this can stunt the healing process. Like grieving a death, there is a similar emotional roller coaster after a significant breakup — including the end of a marriage.
There’s the stage of shock and denial, where you feel complete disbelief and numbed overall feelings. There are feelings of pain, anger, and, sometimes, guilt; in this stage, the emotions you are feeling may even trickle into affecting other relationships you have. Bargaining comes when you begin to feel desperate with the situation. You would be willing to do anything to change the situation or alleviate the pain you feel from the loss of the marriage. Depression (in this case, divorce depression) is a common experience for people to go through; this typically happens as you begin to process your grief and face the fact that your marriage has broken down and divorce is on the horizon. Lastly, acceptance arrives when you no longer feel the suffering and pain associates with the divorce process.
Remember that there is no particular order for the stages of grief to unfold and that you may fluctuate between the stages multiple times before feeling truly healed. There’s no ‘normal’ way to go about this all. However, we encourage you to begin by taking the time to mourn what has been lost to you: your marriage to a person you thought (at least, at one point) was the person that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.
Set aside time for positive activities and interests
There’s no simple solution of how to get over a divorce, but making time for yourself to do the things you most enjoy and showing yourself self-love and self-care is crucial. Yes, even if you and your partner were not keen on showing your relationship self-care!
For starters, allowing yourself the time to heal and grieve, as well as going to therapy, are self-love exercises in and of themselves. We recommend going beyond these, though. Make time to enjoy your favourite activities, go for a walk, re-read a favourite book, or re-watch a movie you love. When you feel comfortable doing so, venturing into public spaces for self-dates is another excellent thing to do for yourself! This is an ideal opportunity for you to support and love yourself, solo and with just yourself for company, while treating yourself to a little adventure that you won’t soon forget.
Plan for your future
There will be life after divorce, we promise. Regardless of how long the mourning process takes or the obstacles you are faced with, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. With this in mind, you can choose to spend the rest of your life however you want to live it; you have no obligation to anyone but yourself (and your children, if you have kids). Curious about dating after divorce? Why not connect with other singles to test the waters and explore the possibilities out there? Maybe you’re not interested in dating at the moment, due to fear of red flags, so much as you are with having sex with someone new. As long as you’re ready and giving enthusiastic consent to the situation, go for it!
If you’re uncomfortable with the thought of any emotional or physical romantic relationships, never feel obligated to engage in one. Your plans for the future do not have to be of this nature. Instead, consider places you might travel to, business endeavours you might invest in, support systems you can cement for yourself, and even potential locations that you could move to start fresh.
There is no limit to what you can do with — and for — your future self.
Try to avoid lengthy legal proceedings
Unfortunately, in some cases, dealing with divorce can also mean an exhausting legal process as couples work through dividing their possessions, property, finances, child custody, and other things of importance. At the end of the day, a successful negotiation (in the eyes of a mediator or lawyer, at least) comes when both parties feel a bit uncomfortable. That is, both parties feel like they’ve given more than they expected and received a little less than initially anticipated.
While some exes might make this process unbearably difficult, whenever possible, attempt to come to an agreement before engaging the legal system (including lawyers). Not only will this save on time and money spent on your divorce, but it will also help alleviate stress from you both. Why make an already challenging time even more difficult to cope with?
Ultimately, there are some marriage problems that couples cannot overcome — or simply do not wish to move past — and separating becomes inevitable. While figuring out how to survive divorce (and, eventually, how to move on after divorce) can be difficult, it is not impossible. Regardless of the situation, from a marriage where maintaining passion in the relationship felt unmanageable to leaving an abusive relationship, it’s important to be gentle to yourself. Breakups are usually not easy, and the breakup depression that often follows it should not be brushed aside.
Through therapy, divorce support groups, the encouragement of trusted family and friends, and other incredible resources, you will soon discover that there is a beautiful life after divorce that is waiting for you.
What are your tips for a trial separation or coping with divorce? In your opinion, what are some marriage problems that are clear signs you are ready for divorce? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
