So, you want to destroy your ex. That’s fair; maybe they made your life a living hell by giving you an STI, having poor communication skills, refusing to be considerate of the boundaries you set, or any other awful situation. However, setting your sights to get revenge on an ex, though potentially satisfying at the moment, can hinder your personal growth and ability to move on with healing yourself. No one is worth risking that, nor impeding your focus on your self-care and self-love.

Still not convinced that making your ex miserable isn’t worth your while? Here are eight reasons that sabotage isn’t the answer.

1. It’s okay — breakups happen

Sometimes we have to break up with someone, and sometimes we’re broken up with. These things happen to the best of us!

During these trying times, a separation can be mutual and go smoothly. Other times, it’s explosive and ends in resentment and hurt. If you’ve experienced the latter, it doesn’t mean that revenge is necessary.

2. It makes you seem petty

The desire to get revenge on an ex — whether to sabotage them somehow or to make them miserable for the pain they have caused you — will make you seem petty. While we do not deny that the breakup might be challenging to cope with, it’s best to move on from the situation and leave your ex in the past.

3. It hinders your emotional growth

When you dwell on negative thoughts (like the plans to destroy your ex in some way), you’re preventing yourself from leaving this painful period of your personal history behind you. When you focus your attention on all that you can do and the people who deserve to keep you in their lives, you enable yourself to grow emotionally.

4. It makes them think they’ve still got a hold on you

This is true even when your attention is on the harmful elements of the relationship. When your ex realizes that you are still thinking about them — apparent through your words and actions — you give them the impression that they can potentially control. Knowing that you are focusing your energy on them still means that they affect you.

5. It keeps them in your life longer than they have to be

If a person has wronged you, it’s best to move on.* Spending time on righting the wrongs that you have experienced keeps them in your life longer than necessary and leaves an opportunity for them to pop back into your life, time and time again.

*Please note that this does not refer to situations where legal action is taken against an ex-partner.

6. It keeps you stuck on negative thoughts and feelings

When you focus on making your ex miserable, you’ll find yourself immersed in constant negative thoughts. Even when you’re not actively thinking about methods of sabotage, you’ve allowed your mind to linger on similar thoughts and feelings, including hurt and regret. If you can avoid sadness, anger, and hate as becoming your default mindset, why wouldn’t you?

7. It keeps you tied to your ex

The more time and effort you invest in ruining your ex’s life — unsurprisingly — the more time and effort you invest in your ex. Someone who was a toxic presence in your life is undeserving of more of your energy. By stepping away from the person and the situation, you are severing your ties to them and freeing yourself from allowing them to take up space in your mind.

8. It prevents you from moving on to a new relationship

By sabotaging a new relationship for your ex, you’re likely to ruin your potential new connections. Focusing on someone else (and ruining the life of that person) takes your attention away from being the best version of yourself and attracting people who are truly deserving of your time.

It’s self-sabotage. Why would you want to do that?

While there are so many reasons your ex-partner might have been undoubtedly toxic — they have mocked or shamed your kinks and fetishes or even put you through an unwarranted dry spell out of spite — making your ex miserable is not a solution. Whether you plan on sabotaging a new relationship of theirs, blackmailing them somehow, or even calling up their friends and family to tell them all of the awful things that they did to you during your relationship, focusing your life on destroying your ex is not worth your while.

While sabotage may seem fun and satisfying for the moment, it isn’t worth putting the brakes on your personal development and emotional growth.

Why have you felt the need to get revenge on an ex in the past? How would you advise someone to get past their desire to sabotage a new relationship for their ex-partner? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.

8 Reasons Not to Make Your Ex Miserable