Don’t Make Aftercare an Afterthought
Note: In this piece, I mention shame in both positive and negative respects. I would like to bring attention to the difference of erotic, consensual shame that is enjoyed — positive shame — and negative shame, which is the hurtful and traumatic feelings experienced after non-consensual humiliations from a partner.
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Aftercare is the often-disregarded practice of nurturing the well-being of a partner following sexual activity (or a series of sexual activities) or a sex scene. Though many people have never heard of it, aftercare is a crucial aspect of maintaining healthy, satisfying and shame-free intimacy. Finding an adequate routine will require exploring what works and fails, but will ultimately turn aftercare into an ‘afterglow.’
Common means of aftercare include snuggling, affirmations in the form of pillow-talk, gentle touching, and tending to the emotional or physical needs of your partner. It could even include fixing up a delicious meal for them to enjoy! While these are conventional routines, every couple or group have unique needs and approaches to aftercare.
Why is aftercare important?
Many folks experience a post-climax emotional crash, where they are left with feeling of vulnerability. If neglected in the long-term, traumas may develop that could leave them hesitant or insecure during subsequent intimate situations. These critical moments of tending to your partner’s potential rollercoaster of emotions will reinforce feelings of trust, thus strengthening your relationship(s).
Does ever having felt dirty, unfulfilled, confused, sad or ashamed (in a negative, non-sexual way) after sex sound familiar? Then aftercare is for you — everybody can benefit from this practice! It is recommended to be integrated into the sex routine of even those who prefer ‘safe’ vanilla sex, not just exclusively for folks who prefer kinkier sex.
That said, checking in on your partner(s), and they on you, is a fantastic way to foster higher levels of intimacy. This also promotes better communication and sets boundaries with one another by diving deeper into exploring your likes and dislikes. A couple may attempt and enjoy a bondage encounter, but agree that flogging goes too far for one or more partners involved in the act. After discussing what aspects of bondage does excite them, they may discover new interests to explore together, perhaps adding spitting or other degradations to their encounters instead.
How can I implement aftercare?
Aftercare is strongly encouraged for newcomers to the world of erotic roleplay. Typically, BDSM evokes intense feelings of pleasure and shame, a potent cocktail of chemical excretions inside the brain that can push submissive players to enter their ‘subspace.’ While this is the goal of roleplay for the sub, the euphoric high may hinder responsible decision making; it is, therefore, the responsibility of the Dominant player to look after the safety of their sub(s). It is highly advisable to agree to boundaries, receive consent (this is always required), and plan for subsequent aftercare before play even begins.
It is worth pointing out that the Dominant in a scene may also necessitate aftercare. In fact, it is not uncommon for Dominants to feel ashamed for their aggressive play after the conclusion of the scene. Many of us have met somebody who is the complete opposite in the bedroom, compared to how they act in public everyday. Following a BDSM scene is the perfect time for a submissive to emphasize their partner is still very much a loving, respectful, and worthy human, regardless of what their kink might be.
My personal experiences with aftercare
My own experience with aftercare is one that came too late, but has ultimately made me secure in mind and body (and a far better lover than I was before). While I have the blessing and burden of two heavy kinks surrounding both interracial cuckolding and small penis humiliation, I effectively live my sex life to the fullest with the habitual practice of aftercare. During my teenage years, I discovered my kinks and was eager to explore them.
Unfortunately, my first handful of experiences did not go well. My partners did not care for my well-being, and I was left feeling ashamed, wishing for anything that would rid me of my presumedly aberrant sexual inclinations. The emotional suffering and erotic humiliation that I got off on so fervently took a massive toll upon my mental health. Eventually, I reached a period where I avoided any sexual encounters for half a year.
During this time, I sought out an exceptional sex therapist who helped me to realize that my kinks are healthy, valid, and surprisingly common. After a few sessions of unpacking traumas, recognizing vulnerabilities, and practicing positive thought patterns, she suggested I try aftercare immediately following sex. Soon after, I found a partner willing to give aftercare a try. During sex, she played into the erotic shame that I was craving, calling my less than one-inch erect micropenis a ‘tiny mushroom cock,’ even comparing it to her ex’s darker and much larger one. It was great in the moment, but the aftercare was better.
When we both finished, we cuddled. She told me she didn’t truly believe all the cruel things she said during sex and whispered sweet validations to me. After the ensuing encounters with her, I would learn to care for her height and weight insecurities. I enjoyed this immensely, as it helped me to rekindle my innate softness and capacity to love after brutal humiliation sessions. We ended up having much more sex together than I originally thought we would, and we still hook-up from time to time, even though we have since moved on from each other.
I highly encourage everybody to make time for aftercare. You and your partner(s) will feel closer together, enjoy sex so much more, as well as manage your boundaries in a healthier way. Whether you already feel safe or not with feelings of intimacy, you can learn a lot about yourselves by compartmentalizing your post-coital blues. Next time you have sex, show your support by whipping up a warm cup of hot chocolate for your lover and make time for the best sex possible. Take care of yourself, you deserve it!
