Focus on Foreplay for More Heat Between the Sheets

I really think we need to reframe how we think about foreplay. It tends to be seen as something we do only to get ready for the main course rather than as a pleasurable experience in itself. Not to mention, there's the misconception that foreplay is mostly for vulva owners, and while it's true that vulva owners need more foreplay to become fully aroused, penis owners have just as much to gain from it.

It seems, like many other things in life, sex has become something we rush through — hurrying to reach the glowing goal of an orgasm at the end. Now don't get me wrong, I love a quickie as much as anyone else, but when we slow down and indulge in sensual foreplay, there's so much more pleasure to be had, which you know is the main goal of sex (aside from procreation, of course)! 

In case you aren't convinced, here are just a few reasons focussing more on foreplay can transform your sex life:

• You get more time to fully enjoy the whole spectrum of sexual sensations

• It allows the space and time to experiment and keep things exciting

• It gives you the opportunity to discover your arousal patterns and pleasure responses and discover what you really like

• You can develop a better connection with your partner and a better understanding of what they enjoy

• It can improve your ability to reach orgasm or give you better control over your orgasms and ejaculation

• It can increase your sex drive

My top tips for better foreplay:

• Approach foreplay with curiosity and the desire to get to know your partner better. This attitude allows it to become a fun exploration that you embark on together and takes some of the performance pressure off. There will be things that each of you loves and things that you don't, and that's totally okay!

• Start by focussing on non-genital touching by exploring the other areas of the body. There are so many areas on our body that can feel sexual pleasure that often get overlooked. You discover some unknown erogenous hot spots you never knew existed!

• Engage all of the senses to heighten arousal and sensation. By appealing to all five senses, we can create a much more immersive and intense experience. Some things you can try are listening to a sexy playlist or whispering in each other's ears, edible body paint, scented oils or candles, or even watching yourselves in a mirror. 

• Explore different types of touch such as massaging, stroking, light tickling, scratching, kissing, licking, or blowing lightly on the skin.

• Take the time to stimulate the genital areas that tend to get neglected. For vulva owners, the labia, clitoris, perineum (taint), and anus are all full of wonderfully sensitive nerve endings. The same goes for the scrotum, perineum, anus, and prostate for penis owners. You may also want to consider a little bit of external help, too—such as penis pump accessories for sale!

• Treat yourselves to some new sex toys or lingerie to experiment with a broader range of sensations. Toys that are often seen as only for BDSM, such as floggers or spanking paddles, can feel amazing when used gently on different areas, and clitoral suction toys or vibrators are fantastic for nipple stimulation. The key is to experiment and figure out what feels good for you!

• Rediscover the joy of kissing and not only on the mouth! Kissing is a great way to build anticipation, and you can use those skills all over the body — the neck, the small of their back, their inner thighs, and even during oral sex. 

• Develop an ongoing, open conversation about sex, so you both feel more comfortable sharing what you do and don't like — this is the best way to become experts in pleasing each other. Ask your partner how they like to be touched, do they want it harder, softer, faster, or slower — these questions make for some great dirty talk! 

Foreplay techniques to try today:

• Spend 10-15 mins only touching non-genital areas — hunt out hidden erogenous zones and experiment with different types of touch and kissing. Some places to try are the collar bone, inner elbow, back of the knees, sides of the abdomen — be sure to pay attention to how your partner responds. 

• Don’t dive straight into oral sex — build the anticipation by teasing our partner. Massage, kiss, and lick their inner thighs, blow lightly on the whole area and even hold your mouth just over their penis or vulva, letting your breath skim their skin.   

• Start the foreplay well in advance by sending a suggestive text or picture and slowly build the anticipation throughout the day. 

• Show don’t tell. Show your partner exactly how you like to be touched by putting on a sexy show and letting them watch you masturbate. If you enjoy bondage, you can even tie them up or put them in restraints, so they have your full attention! 

And don’t forget the afterplay! 

There’s a common misconception that afterplay is only necessary if you are participating in BDSM play, but that is not true at all! Afterplay should be a part of every sexual activity, as it develops connection, creates a feeling of safety, and gives your brain and body the time to adjust after the cocktail of post-orgasmic hormones has flooded your body. This is also the perfect time to reflect on your experiences together so you can finesse your foreplay skills for next time!