It’s Time to Close the Orgasm Gap with Men

Picture this: you’re at a banquet. Guests are smacking their lips as they devour the delicacies. Scrumptious trays pass under your nose, scents sending your mouth watering. You need only ask, and the feast is yours. But you’re afraid. Which would you like? What are the dishes called? You sit in frustrated silence as everyone else dines away. Sounds pathetic right? Yet, this is exactly what women experience every day — in their bedrooms. We go hungry while our partners feast. Well, I call B.S. on that! It’s time we pull up to the table, grab two forks, and dig in!

The Orgasm Gap is Real

Think I’m exaggerating? Don’t. Research from the Archives of Sexual Behavior found a 42% satisfaction gap between heterosexual men and women. While only 33% of heterosexual women regularly experience orgasms during sex, men are left satisfied 75% of the time. For bisexual women, it’s 36% vs. 66% for bisexual men. Lesbian women fare far better at 59%, but still are less satisfied than gay men who orgasm 65% of the time.

So why the huge disparities between men and women? The study found most gals won’t orgasm during sex without additional, direct stimulation of our sex engine: the clitoris. Unfortunately, the stimulation we need to climax is not the action women are typically getting in the bedroom. For us to feel those wonderful, toe-curling sensations, we have to begin speaking up. We must demand more both from ourselves and our partners.

Stop Pretending It’s Okay

Let’s be honest. Our partners may not even realize they need to step up. We’ve let them off the hook, saying we’re fine when we are totally not fine. And how could we be? Orgasms are ridiculously amazing. So amazing that it’s all guys think about. Gals who climax, well, they’re thinking about orgasms all the time, too. It’s hard not to. If this all sounds foreign, you’ve never likely had a good, juicy orgasm. What we now need is for more gals to want in on that action. Or at the very least, feel curious enough to want to know what all the orgasm fuss is about.

Eight Tips to Get Sex Back on Track

So where do you begin? How do you talk to your partner about deeper sexual engagement that leaves you a blissful puddle of mush? Here are seven things to consider:

1.     Speak your truth. Start by gently explaining that you need more in bed. Sex is just not satisfying for you and you hope that in exploring it together, it’ll become way more satisfying for both of you.

2.     Skip the blame. You are where you are, so no sense pointing fingers. Make a fresh start. Your partner fell flat, but you didn’t ask for more either. Stop pouting, you know it’s true. At best, it’s a wash, so shake hands and move forward.

3.     Get specific. Explain that you need more foreplay, foreplay that includes direct stimulation of your clitoris. Get creative. Hands, fingers, mouth, toys. The options are endless, but your pink pearl needs attention.

4.     Gear up. Gather whatever supplies or toys you need and have them ready in advance. Need lube? Get it. Need batteries? Plan ahead. Don’t let lousy logistics undermine the first of what should be many awesome nights to remember.

5.     Let it build. Take your time and lead up to the main event. It can start at dinner, out on the town, the mating dance can be as long as you want. Anticipation will only heighten the experience. And once in bed, take your time.

6.     Be delicate. Yes, the clitoris needs attention, but don’t just dive in and rub her like Aladdin’s lamp. She’s a sensitive and deep network of nerve endings. A little goes a long way. Too much and she’ll only get irritated.

7.     Lose the distractions. Find a private space where you won’t be interrupted (unless that’s your turn-on). Power off your phone, get a sitter, feed the fish, water the plants, whatever you need to do, get it done and out of the way, so your mind is clear. Great sex demands a fully engaged mind.

8.     Experiment. You’re learning what you want, your partner is learning how to please you. Let exploration bond you together and become part of the experience.

Fantasy for the Win

Fantasy plays a huge role for many when it comes to priming the body for a sexual experience. It can enhance foreplay and heighten the sensations you feel during partner sex. The same of course applies when we’re flying solo. What’s important to remember is that turn-ons are very individualized. What arouses one person will not necessarily appeal to another. Here, too, we must be open to experiences and not shame our partner — or ourselves — for the fantasies that arouse us. Embrace the moment, imagine what you will and be open to bringing your fantasy life into your partnered experiences. Similarly, be open-minded when your partner introduces their fantasies to you. Ask respectful questions, and remember when it comes to fantasies, there are no set rules. Truly let your imagination run wild.

Build a Sexual Awakening That Lasts

Your sexual awakening will be a continual evolution over your lifetime. The behaviours you change will take time to improve. Yes, you’re learning new skills here, and Rome wasn’t built in one night. If your first encounter falls flat, keep trying. You’re learning what you like so you can guide your partner in the right direction. Don’t expect to have all the answers immediately, and resoundingly reject any pressure or unrealistic expectations from your partner. That said, be tender if your partner isn’t a stud-lover the first time either. Remember that if you are attentive, learn together, and ask for what you want every step of the way, you’ll quickly learn what all the sex fuss is about. You’ll not only be feasting at the banquet; you’ll be knocking diners out of the way to get to the buffet first. But no worries. Eat your fill. You can thank me later.