Talking Consent and Boundaries in Relationships With Sex Partners
It’s been some time since we last talked about consent and the importance of setting boundaries in relationships. Learning how to enjoy everything from a one-night stand to a long-term relationship consensually is pivotal to anyone having sex. In fact, we would argue that setting healthy relationship boundaries for yourself is a form of self-love!
Sometimes, teaching healthy boundaries to adults is necessary, whether that adult is yourself (and learning how to create essential relationship boundaries) or your sex partner.
What is consent and how do we define setting boundaries?
The consent definition is, essentially, permitting to do something or an agreement to do something, as well as to provide permission to do something. This consent can be unsolicited and offered up by one or both partners or explicitly asked, before engaging in any sexual activity. Either way, consent (and being mindful of everyone’s boundaries that come along with it) are necessary.
Why is consent important, though?
It ensures that your partner wants to move forward with your sexual experiences, avoids potential ‘miscommunications,’ creates a safe space for everyone, allows for all to be on the same page, enables either partner to withdraw from the experience, and shows that you respect your partner. Not to mention that it’s required by law, regardless of whether both parties meet or exceed the legal age of consent.
How to set boundaries in relationships and give active consent
So, how do you set healthy boundaries? How can one go about teaching healthy boundaries to adults that may not understand exactly what your sexual limits are? We spoke to Rachel Worthington, a sex and relationship educator for Bedbible, who had some advice to share on the topic.
“My first piece of advice is, before trying to have a conversation with your partner, to take some time for yourself to think about what your boundaries actually are. It might be difficult at first, but try to decide, or at least have some idea about what your ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ limits are. ‘Soft’ limits are things that you don’t really feel ready for (at the present moment), but might be interested in in the future, whereas ‘hard’ limits are boundaries that you know you’ll never want to cross. These are terms often used in the BDSM community, but are actually applicable to a much broader range of relationships. Plus, they allow for flexibility and uncertainty in how we decide our boundaries, which can be much less intimidating for everyone involved.”
She went on to say that, “[o]ften, we can be intimidated or simply shy about deciding where our limits are around other people — like we’re being put on the spot. Many people, especially women, have people-pleasing tendencies of putting others’ wants and needs over their own. Thus, taking some alone time to really think about what you are and aren’t comfortable with can make things clearer, and easier.”
“My second piece of advice,” she continued, “is something to consider as you have a conversation with your partner about consent and boundaries. Consent is, of course, vitally important, and shouldn’t be taken for granted, even in long-term relationships. However, for many of us, especially those of us not used to it, asking and being asked for consent can make us feel awkward. This can be particularly true when asking for consent and trying to respect boundaries during sex. Many people think that doing so will immediately take them out of the mood, but there are ways to ask for consent during intimate times that don’t feel clinical!
“Try phrases like ‘do you like it when I…?’, ‘how does that feel for you?’, ‘what do you want me to do to you?’, and ‘do you want me to keep going?’ You can actually incorporate consent-talk into your intimate moments by making them a part of your dirty talk — this way you can actually build excitement and intensity whilst still making sure you always respect your partner’s boundaries.”
So, before you dive into your sex bucket list or consider using sex toys to use as a couple, have that discussion. Is this something you both feel comfortable doing together consensually? Does it cross any of your physical or emotional boundaries?
If it feels right for everyone involved, go for it!
What do you find the best method is for setting boundaries in relationships, including sexual boundaries, so that you can move forward consensually in your partnership? Do you think teaching healthy boundaries to adults is possible? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
