Mental Illness and Romantic Relationships: Will I Fail?
Mental illness and romantic relationships can coexist. While love and mental health are often intertwined in many ways, mental illness and fluctuations in a person’s mental health do not equate to unhealthy relationships. That is, you can be in a healthy and loving long-term relationship at the same time as you are coping with obstacles related to your mental health.
While many folks are experiencing anxious thoughts, low self-esteem, and doubts in their ability to open up to others due to mental illness, it’s important to recognize that while these feelings and concerns are completely valid, they are not necessarily the truth of the situation. You are more than your current state of mental health, and you are always, always deserving of love.
What other reasons allow for one’s mental state to harmonize with a relationship that is affectionate, fun, supportive, and healthy? Let us tell you.
Understand that your mental health does not define you
While your mental health and mental illness(es) are a part of who you are — and are nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed by — they do not define you. This is to say that these aspects of yourself that can undoubtedly affect your life do not make you any ‘more’ or ‘less’ of a person deserving of unconditional love from both yourself and a romantic partner.
It is as much a part of you as a physical illness might be, whether that’s something like diabetes or an allergy. Yes, it’s an important consideration that influences the way you might handle your daily life, but it is not the most crucial component of you. You are a million other things: the way you care for and love yourself, the way that you regularly treat others, the things you enjoy doing (hobbies and pastimes), the people that you surround yourself with. You are your morals and your beliefs, your culture, your goals. In a way, you are also none of these things; ultimately, what and how you choose to define yourself is entirely up to you.
While mental illness is not something to be brushed aside, forgotten, and invalidated, it is also not the sole definition of your life. It is not for someone else to tell you who you are — this has always been and always will be up to you.
Communicating needs is paramount for a relationship’s success
When it comes to any serious relationship, creating a safe space for communication is paramount. Considering a couple where one or both partners experience stressors on their mental health or have mental illness(es), having better conversations with your partner and talking to your partner about your needs is even more critical.
Regardless of what your personal needs are or the needs ex-partners have expressed to you in the past, it’s crucial to have a clear understanding of what it is that your current significant other needs. These things may be very different from what you expect, and understanding this can make a world of difference in your ability to support one another as you both grow. Make it clear to one another that you are there to listen and to help them wherever possible.
Remember, though, that sometimes your significant other might need space and time to process their thoughts — in situations like these, pressuring them for more information and probing into why they potentially feel a certain way could cause more harm than good. Let them know that when they are ready, you’re there to talk; checking in and reminding them you’re present while not being smothering can be helpful, too, depending on the situation.
At the end of the day, whether discussing your needs as a way to uplift and support one another emotionally through trying times, a form of keeping the passion alive in a long-term relationship, or both, making an effort to communicate these desires and basic necessities is a must.
A partner who supports you is the bare minimum
Just because your significant other is being ‘nice’ to you does not make them Partner of the Year. Kindness and support during trying times are the absolute minimum partners should be providing to one another. In fact, when the person that you are in a committed relationship with continually minimizes your feelings and what you are going through, it’s a significant indication of a toxic relationship.
Yes, there are instances where both partners may be experiencing a dip in their emotions simultaneously; of course, this can be a challenge to navigate, and difficulty in supporting one another may not necessarily be a relationship red flag. However, both people must consider if potentially wavering support for one another is something that they are okay with long-term.
In the meantime, setting essential boundaries with one another is an excellent way to make what you need to feel loved and supported obvious. As mentioned above, this varies from person to person, so what makes you feel loved and supported will not necessarily be the same for your partner (it’s similar to how your love language may not be the same as your significant other’s). Be open, be honest, and be clear about what they need to do to support you.
The bottom line? When people do not respect their partners’ needs and refuse to treat them with respect when experiencing stress on their mental health, these are unhealthy relationships.
Empathy and validation are crucial from you both
One of the primary relationship deal-breakers is when your partner does not feel empathy for you. At the core, empathy is a person’s ability to understand how another person feels, which, in turn, helps them respond appropriately to the given situation. Without comprehension of this crucial skill, it would seem impossible for your significant other to empathize with your emotional situation (and, thus, adequately respond to how you are feeling).
Likewise, being in a long-term relationship with someone who chooses to invalidate your feelings can only serve as a further detriment to your mental health and worsen the symptoms associated with a mental illness. If you hear any of these things, whether exact or with a similar intention behind the words, it may be time to end your relationship and seek a better, supportive partner:
“You’re making this up.”
“Are you sure it’s not all in your head?”
“Don’t worry, this is all part of [a Higher Being]’s plan.”
“Everyone feels this way sometimes. It’s not just you.”
“This isn’t as big a deal as you’re making it out to be.”
“Just calm down. You’re fine.”
“There are people who have it worse off than you, and they’re pulling through.”
“You don’t have anything happening in your life to make you feel this way.”
“It’s just a phase. It’ll pass.”
[Insert some ‘inspirational’ quote about how you should get over yourself here]
Love can uplift your mental health, not repair it
While empathy and validation are essential in a long-term relationship, particularly those where one or both partners experience mental illness(es), it’s important to understand that it isn’t up to them to fix all of your problems. Indeed, expecting them to be the solution to repairing your mental health is unfair to them.
As noted above, open communication is necessary for the flourishing of all healthy relationships. You should be able to speak to your significant other about what it is that’s bothering you (including the negative emotions you feel, worries and anxieties you might currently be experiencing, and so forth). Still, while they can support you through the healing process and be a person to lean on, it’s not up to them to make it all go away.
Likewise, if you are in a relationship with someone with a mental illness (and do not experience this yourself), know that this does not mean you must invest all your love, energy, and attention into your significant other. Practicing self-love and self-care must not be forgotten; this includes continuing to eat healthily, work out, get a good night’s sleep, and not giving up your interests. In short, that you are maintaining your own mental health.
While you might believe that giving up these things is essential to improving your partner’s mental health, the opposite is true. By feeling unhappy and unmotivated, you will not be at your best to help support your significant other.
Your therapist can help you through challenging times
Building off of the point above, as a person experiencing mental illness(es), it’s essential not to always rely on your partner because: (1) it’s unfair to expect that of someone else and (2) if ever that person were to leave (if you were to break up), you would not have a support system in place to cope with your mental health afterward. As an unbiased third party, a therapist is a great person to help you navigate your mental health alongside you.
Sure, online resources and journaling are great techniques — and we recommend them for ongoing attention and monitoring of your mental state — but, typically, a little extra help is necessary. Going to therapy and speaking to a registered psychotherapist or psychologist can do wonders in a person’s ability to manage and gain control over their mental health. Under the guidance of a trained professional, you can expect to feel more empowered in your daily life, improve your communication skills where needed most, and make healthier choices in managing your mental health and destressing strategies.
For couples struggling with balancing and managing one or both partners’ mental illness(es) and their relationship, couples therapy is an excellent consideration, as well. These therapists can help pinpoint issues within a relationship (including how each significant other handles the situations they are in) and work closely to help find solutions that benefit and support both partners.
Yes, mental illness and romantic relationships can coincide with one another. While aspects of one’s mental health may affect and be considered within a long-term relationship (in the same way one might think about a food sensitivity or high blood pressure), it does not have to be the make-or-break aspect of a partnership.
Regardless of folks’ mental health, it is always essential to keep an open communication line, work through stressors together or as a team (depending on what you each feel is necessary at the moment), and overcome obstacles as they arise. In fact, these are all things that help you to avoid creating or feeling ‘trapped’ in unhealthy relationships.
Whether one or both partners experience a mental illness, there is an equal chance to feel and give love, support, guidance, and trust to each other. It certainly is not a death sentence!
Has mental illness affected a long-term relationship in the past for you? Do you believe that mental illness and romantic relationships can work? Let us know your thoughts in the comments below.
