Interview With Leanna Larkin of Reluctant Heroines
CONTENT WARNING: This interview contains dialogue on rape, sexual assault, and abuse. Reader discretion is advised.
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Leanna Larkin (she/her) is the creator of Reluctant Heroines, a movement to give you the tools and techniques to flourish after sexual violence.
Sexual abuse can take on many forms, revealing itself in the physical and mental trauma it leaves in its wake. Regardless of the form that it takes, the bottom line is that it is never justifiable. It’s not about having better conversations with your abuser, not dressing a certain way, being sure you don’t drink or do drugs…
Abuse is abuse, and it is not the survivor or victim’s fault. It. never. is.
Here is the transcript of our podcast interview below. You can also download or stream the audio podcast here!
Between Our Thighs: Sexual abuse and violence can take on many forms. Revealing itself in the physical and mental trauma that it leaves in its wake. Regardless of the form that it takes, the bottom line is that it is never justifiable. It’s not about having better conversations with your abuser, not dressing a certain way, being sure that you don’t drink or do drugs. Abuse is abuse and it is not the fault of the survivor or the victim.
It never is.
Today, we’re talking to Leanna Larkin, founder of Reluctant Heroines, a movement to give you the tolls and techniques to flourish after sexual violence.
Hello, Leanna! How are you?
Leanna Larkin: Hello, I’m good! It’s lovely to speak to you.
BOT: It’s lovely to speak to you, too! Did you want to tell us a little bit about yourself?
Leanna: My name is Leanna. I am the creative founder of Reluctant Heroines, a mentoring/coaching advocacy business set up to advocate victims of sexual violence. I am based in Essex in the UK, as you can tell from my lovely, fine Essex accent.
BOT: [Laughs]
Leanna: A little bit about myself. I like old brick walls, I like making things, I like beards. I like velvet; I like the feel of velvet. I love, love, love sugar. I’m addicted to sugar, although, I am addressing it.
I love peanut butter, I love mushrooms. Oh, and I love nuts! So, I think that maybe in a previous life I was a squirrel, because I love mushrooms and nuts.
BOT: [Laughs] I think I was, too!
Leanna: [Laughs] I just love them! And their bushy tails are always on the go.
Anyways, I find kindness my biggest motivator in the world. I love the stars at night. I love frost in morning and at nighttime. I love swimming in the wild, and lucky for me, I live on the Thames, so I can go down there and swim and that’s nice.
I love the sun, I love hammocks, and I love straightforward people because I know where I stand with them.
BOT: I think you’re my long-lost sister.
Leanna: [Laughs] I think I am, too!
BOT: That actually gives a really great perspective into who you are as a person.
Leanna: Thank you, thank you. I sometimes think when I talk, people might be scared because there’s an awful lot of strange there, but I’m okay with it. [Laughs]
BOT: Embrace it, fully!
Leanna: Yeah, yeah.
BOT: What inspired the name ‘Reluctant Heroines’?
Leanna: That’s a really good question and not actually much of a short story, but I was sweeping my deck in one morning, as you do, and I was thinking about words because I love words. They have so much meaning to me, so much so that I will, in my own time, investigate works. I love the way that certain words sound. So, I knew I wanted to put this business together, but I knew I wanted to get the name of it right.
Certainly, since my own disclosure and the words that are applied to me, I wasn’t always hoping with or didn’t always feel them. So, people would say that I was brave or courageous or strong and I didn’t feel any of those words, so I would find those people quite annoying. I started investigating what those words meant to me: so, ‘brave’ and ‘strong,’ and I was able to define them for myself.
I told you this wasn’t a short story, didn’t I? [Laughs]
BOT: [Laughs] That’s okay!
Leanna: I thought, if I have problems with those labels or those words that people attach to me, then other victims or survivors, they might feel the same. So, I thought, my idea of ‘brave’ is somebody who is a hero, somebody who would do something for somebody else without knowing exactly how it will end up, but they’re doing it for the best reasons.
BOT: Mhmm.
Leanna: That’s kind of how I feel like sexual victims are. They’re heroes, but certainly, in my case, heroines. ‘Reluctant’ because who wants to be raped? Nobody.
BOT: Yeah.
Leanna: We’re reluctant heroines, and soon we’ll have Reluctant Heroes. But that’s why: my obsession with words and digging deeper. All of this was while I was sweeping my deck in! [Laughs]
BOT: Whenever inspiration strikes, is when inspiration strikes.
Leanna: Definitely!
BOT: You say ‘victims’ or ‘survivors.’ What is the difference between either of those labels?
Leanna: Yeah, that’s a really good question. So, I myself, identify as a victim and not because I am in a corner crying, but because I was a victim of a crime. Some victims or survivors, they identify as survivors because they have survived this most horrific, traumatic of crimes.
BOT: Mhmm.
Leanna: Some people may feel disempowered if you call them a victim, but that’s not how I mean it for myself. I don’t feel disempowered, but I also want to respect all victims or survivors, which is why I try to use both terms. Sometimes I might just use one, but I understand that people identify and have different labels, and I’m happy with theirs as long as they’re happy with mine. Yes, I’m surviving, but it was a crime against me.
Also, if somebody burgled your home, you wouldn’t be a survivor of burglary, you’d be a victim of burglary.
BOT: For sure.
Leanna: I understand why we use different labels when it comes to sexual violence, but for me, I was a victim of a crime and that’s why I identify as such.
BOT: For sure. Why did you decide to start this safe haven for folks who have been sexually abused or raped?
Leanna: Well, certainly part of my journey was when I came out of the counselling that I had with the crisis centre, I found that there was still a lot missing from the journey. I was still very raw, I was still almost walking around with my chest wide open like I had had open-heart surgery and somebody hadn’t sewn me up. There was nobody there to take my hand and to show me what sex, perhaps, would look like, or how I would even think about sex after rape. There was nobody there to show me what boundaries were and what healthy boundaries are for me. There was nobody there to show me how I could use my voice or step into the person who I was.
There was so much that there wasn’t anybody there to guide me through, and so much that I needed to learn. It was almost like I came out of the counselling and had been reborn, and not in the good way. It was in a very raw, have-no-skin... I don’t know. Just a very raw way. And I had so much to relearn and that’s why I set up Reluctant Heroines: to enable women, to coach women, with everything. All the knowledge that I’ve gathered and everything that I’ve learned. With the experience that I’ve got as well, I want to be there for women and, eventually, men, to be able to hold my hand out to them. I’ve got a way and there’s lots of elements within this and I’m pretty certain that it might work for you, so here is this. Do you want to come along? Do you want to feel whole again?
So, that’s why I set it up.
BOT: That’s beautiful.
Leanna: Thank you!
BOT: Are you planning on launching a website in the future, as opposed to just an Instagram?
Leanna: I am planning on launching a website. I’m in the processes of setting it up now, so it’s just a little bit of work in progress. I’m going to get there! I’ve got a ninety-day plan and it’s certainly on my ninety-day plan to get it done at some point.
BOT: That’s amazing! Hopefully, within the next ninety days, we can see it.
Leanna: Oh my gosh, it will probably be done within the next thirty days, so watch!
BOT: That’s so exciting!
Leanna: [Laughs]
BOT: How do you know when you’ve been sexually abused or raped? What are some of the misconceptions about it?
Leanna: Well, one of the biggest misconceptions about sexual abuse and rape is that it can’t happen within a relationship. I’m part of quite a few groups online and there was a post — I think I even read it this morning or last night — a young girl said, “My boyfriend had sex with me last night and I was crying the whole way through. I asked him not to, but he carried on.” She said, “I’ve been to my friends and they’ve all said that because we’re in a relationship together, it’s not rape.”
The whole community rallied ‘round her. There must have been hundreds of survivors or victims all just ploughed in within the comments, just saying, “Just because you’re in a relationship with this man, doesn’t mean that he didn’t rape you. If you told him ‘no’ and you were crying, it’s definitely rape.” I mean, it’s just such a huge misconception.
Most rapes happen from people that we know. Most of the time, we’re sold this big story within the media that rape happens when you’re walking down a road late and night and somebody comes up to you. Know you, stranger rape. That is horrific, but the majority of rapes are a result of somebody you know.
It could be your — and this is going to be deep — but it could be your brother, it could be your best friend’s father, it could be your coach. Honestly, it could be anybody. It’s not always a stranger rape.
I think another misconception that people don’t realize is that if you’re having sex with somebody, if you’re having sex with a man, and he takes the condom off without asking or without checking in with you, that is an offence. I think it can be charged as rape and there’s an actual word for it, but I can’t remember what they call it when they do that, but yep. That’s bad as well.
I think it’s just all-around consent as well, so a misconception is if you’ve been drinking, then you deserve it. I mean, hopefully we’re in 2020, people don’t believe that as much anymore, but certainly if you’ve been drinking and you’re too drunk to say “yes” or “no,” that’s rape. Rape should never, ever, ever be the result of you getting too drunk. Nothing should ever, ever, ever be the result of you being too anything.
Of having a too-short skirt, the result shouldn’t be rape. Under the age of sixteen and not being able to give consent, shouldn’t be a reason for being raped. Taking drugs, you know, it’s not a reason, it’s not an excuse, and it should never be a result... Rape is the worst crime that anybody can... Well, it’s the worst crime underneath murder.
BOT: Yeah. Yeah.
Leanna: That’s the reality of it. It’s a little bit like saying, “Well, you deserve to get murdered if you were too drunk.” You wouldn’t say that, would you? No!
BOT: No, you would never say that.
Leanna: The mindset and cultural shift that needs to be made is that there is no excuse. There is no excuse. So, I think even now, I don’t even believe that there is an excuse. A lot of people say, “Well, the perpetrator, he was or she was abused as a child,” but that’s not a reason either, to continue the cycle!
BOT: No.
Leanna: There should be no reason why. Not in our day and age, not at all.
BOT: Yeah, of course. While that’s unfortunate, it’s not an excuse.
Leanna: Yeah, I think another misconception that I just wanted to give voice to was being too scared to say “no.” So, in some situations, you’re too scared, for whatever reason. Maybe you’re scared of what they’re going to say to you. Maybe you’re scared of what they’re going to do, as in, the perpetrator might physically hurt you. They also might be blackmailing you somehow, or they might try to make you feel guilty. It’s also feeling empowered enough to say “no.”
I don’t know how many people have been in this situation, where you want to say “no.” So, do you feel empowered enough to say “no”? There are so many layers of it. So many layers of it.
I think, in this day and age, it’s about checking in at all times. We take consent for granted, especially in long-term relationships. Something that I’ve learned as a result of my journey is, my partner and I have been together for over a year, and we still check in with each other. We were just in the hallway now and he gave me a cuddle and he put his arms on my waist and straight away, he said, “Is that alright?” And that’s lovely! That’s really, really lovely. I do it to him — I grab his hand without even thinking, just because I love him and I want to be close to him — and I say to him, “Oh, is that alright?”
And when we’re in bed together, you know, we’ll be kissing, and if it goes a bit further, he’ll say, “Is that alright?” or “Would you like me to?” It’s all about checking in at all stages.
BOT: And your level of comfort can change from moment to moment.
Leanna: Definitely, definitely. One moment you might feel like kissing and then, next minute, you’re like, “Ugh, I can’t stop thinking about whatever and I’m totally not in the mood. I want to stop now.” And that’s okay! That’s totally okay. Yeah.
BOT: What are the steps that somebody should take immediately after they realized that they’ve been sexually assaulted or raped, if possible?
Leanna: So, immediately after, it’s [sighs] — it’s just, there’s so many layers to it and it’s very emotive. I think, if you’re aware that it’s happened, immediately after, you need to firstly make sure that you are safe, above all else. If that means getting away, or barricading yourself in, or flagging somebody down in the street. It’s making sure that you’re safe.
There is quite a famous — well, I say “famous” — rape case, I’m not going to mention any names, where the woman was out hiking in Ireland and she was raped by a young man. Now, she managed to get away from him afterwards and her way of making herself safe, was she just got herself in the middle of the road and she was in the middle of Ireland somewhere, and she just flagged somebody down. That was her way of making herself safe.
For me, the police had said that if the worse was to happen and the rapist was to find out where I live and get in my house, I’m to barricade myself into a room and I’ve worked out how to do that. Get safe, first of all.
The second thing is: get help. Get help. Some people don’t feel like they’re able to go to the police and that’s okay. It is always, always, always a victim’s choice, but regardless of whether or not you choose to go to the police, I would strongly recommend getting help, whether that be through the police or by your national rape crisis helpline.
Also — and I know it’s really, really hard, rape makes us feel so many negative emotions — but try to get help from somebody who you love and trust enough to put your heart into their hands. It would make your life so much easier if there’s somebody out there who can support you a little bit. Somebody who won’t ask questions, somebody who will make you endless amounts of sugary tea and hand you blankets. Just somebody close to you who’s gentle and kind. Yeah, that’s my advice.
And if you do go to the police, I would urge you to remember that your body, now, and this isn’t going to be nice, but your body is almost evidence. Everything about you will be evidence: fingernails, your hair, your mouth, your skin, your vulva, your vagina. If you’re a man, it would be your penis, it might be your anus, and in some cases, your phone, your clothes. So, keep as much evidence as you possibly can. I mean, I’ve certainly learned. I didn’t report to the police straight away, but the evidence that I did collect, the people that I did tell, the text messages that I have received, that built up my case and that is evidence. So, keep that evidence.
If you do go to the police straight away [sighs], I don’t know. They say don’t shower; they say just get to the police station as fast as possible. Almost like, out yourself in a plastic bag and get yourself down there, and that’s really cold and really horrible, but I don’t know. Even to think of your own body as a piece of evidence, it’s really scary, but it isn’t forever, and it will be for the best. So, that’s my advice.
BOT: And to catch the person, hopefully, who did that to you.
Leanna: Definitely.
BOT: Especially if you don’t know the person personally, if it is one of those stranger rapes.
Leanna: Yeah. I mean, you need as much evidence for the people that you do know. I would say, actually, sometimes you need more evidence for somebody that you do know who has raped you. It would be constantly their word against yours.
BOT: That’s true, yeah.
Leanna: So, the more evidence you’ve got, the stronger your case is, and we need as much evidence as we possibly can in our justice system at the moment, to protect ourselves and to protect the women and the girls of the future from these horrible people.
BOT: That is so true. What can folks who have been sexually abused or raped do to make the recovery process easier, as much as possible?
Leanna: Recovery is different for everybody. Everybody does it at their own pace, in their own time, in their own way, and I start this off by recognizing that and honouring that. I would never push anybody into any kind of recovery program. That said, in my experience and with all the research that I’ve done, there are lots and lots of ways to make your recovery easier.
The first thing I would always recommend, is to seek professional help. Seek professional help from a specific rape counsellor. Normal counsellors are great, but they don’t have everything that you’re going to need, trust me. So, seek a professional rape counsellor.
The next one would be to find a compassionate doctor. Definitely find a compassionate doctor, because it might be that you are going to need some medication, it might be that you’re going to need a diagnosis, it might be that you’re going to need more support over this recovery journey, and if you’ve got a compassionate doctor that you feel okay bearing your soul to, that you feel is in your corner, that is going to be an asset to you. So, definitely get a compassionate doctor.
Take time off of work. If you have been raped, you do not need to keep on going. You do not have to prove anything, and I did it. I carried on working, and I thought to myself, “I’m going to be one of those women where rape doesn’t affect me.” But you know what? It caught up with me like the massive, biggest monster I’ve ever seen and it did catch up to me. Ideally, if I could go back to myself, back to the person that I was then, I would say, “Okay, Leanna. Take time off now and grieve.” You’ll be surprised, when and if it does catch up to you, how much time you’ll need, because in my experience, this is mega huge and you’re going to need to take time off. Take it off whenever you want, but definitely take some time off.
Process your feelings. I did a lot, a lot of journaling. I’ve got, probably, in the space of a year, I racked up at least ten journals and I’ve been processing all of my emotions. Also, art. I work with clay, so I did a lot of how I was feeling and the structure and the stress through art. I was displaying it through art, I was displaying it through that. And dance, as well! It’s really freeing to kind of just share your body off and get those emotions in. You can really have a good old rage or cry while you’re dancing. Use all of those creative outlets to really just express yourself and channel that trauma. It really does help. It really does help.
Educating yourself is another way. So, if you haven’t got the language to talk about something, you can’t process it. By learning and developing, you’re able to form an opinion and form a language. I guess it’s a little bit like being a child, a small baby, and they can’t tell you that they’re hungry, so they just cry, but when they can talk to you — when they can say “I’m hungry, I need this, I need that” — then they’re able to express themselves better and they get what they need quicker. So, learning about, as much as you don’t want to learn about rape, but certainly learning about trauma after rape can enable you, in that it gives you the words to sue to get what you need and what you want and to be able to express yourself, which is so, so, so important.
I would recommend that you stop having sex. I would go so far as to say that I don’t care if you’ve got a partner or not, I would say stop having sex for as long as you damn well please, and if that’s going to be a long time, that’s okay. That’s completely okay. It’s personal preference, but in my experience, rape victims need a holiday from sex to sort out how they feel about it.
BOT: Yeah.
Leanna: Reaching out to other victims, you know, identify as being a part of the community of people that understand. There’s certainly a ‘them’ and ‘us’ attitude when it comes to rape victims, so being around other people — not to retraumatize you, but who know, who have an understanding — can be not rewarding, but certainly helpful. Helpful, to say the least.
Exercise. I know you’re not going to want to, but even if it is just yoga, even if it is some dancing. Even if you can just walk around your garden or go up and down the stairs, exercise is going to help. Somatic exercises, which are basically exercises that release trauma from your body, because trauma gets stored in our bodies and somatic exercises release that trauma, which can be so freeing. It’s almost like, imagine having a fart and you’re keeping it in, and keeping it in, and keeping it in, and it becomes uncomfortable; that’s the same with trauma in your body. You just let it all out and it’s good. [Laughs]
Give yourself self-respect, kindness, and honour your own pace. Just be really, really honest about your present abilities, because dealing with this, dealing with sexual trauma is serious and it creates so many new demands on victims, so we have to be kind to ourselves and we have to be as respectful as we possibly can. I know that that’s hard, but respectful to ourselves and not trying to do everything and being the big, brave hero. Just let it all out. Let it all out, because the sooner you do that, the sooner you will start getting through this.
BOT: When somebody is ready to start transitioning back into their sexuality, whether it’s with a person or maybe with a sex toy, what would you recommend that process be?
Leanna: Slowly. [Laughs] Very, very, very slowly. Again, it’s different for everybody, but I would recommend, firstly, I think a really good way to start kind of entering into that sensory, sexual side of yourself, I would create a sensory box or basket. It might include something — I’m a very tactile person, so for me, when I created this, I had gorgeous, luxurious pieces of silk in there. It was so smooth. And then I had, you know those little head massager things with the arms and the legs?
BOT: Mhmm!
Leanna: I had one of those. Some dried beans, because I liked the feel of them in my hands, and some stones. It was all about learning to be okay with sensory feelings and touch, but without being scared of it. It was all about learning things that I liked to touch and things that I liked to feel, but on my own. Completely ono my own. Learning how to appreciate that again.
And then, it’s really slowly, so... Can you be in a room on your own, fully clothed? Can you be in a room on your own, half-dressed? Can you be in a room on your own, completed undressed? Can you look in the mirror? Can you look in the mirror without clothes on? Can you stroke your arm? Can you touch your own face? Do you love yourself? That’s how slowly that process needs to go.
When you do start, it slowly carries on from there, but then if you do want to have sex again, I would recommend that victims have the conversations with their partner, where the victim is in full control of sex. Full control.
So, my partner agreed that he would not try anything with me. We would only have sex when I said I wanted to have sex, and then, I found that I only felt safe having sex in certain places.
BOT: Mhmm.
Leanna: Before we even got to that, we experimented with touch. I wouldn’t even let him hold my hand or kiss me. So, first of all, we had to go through that stage. If he came up behind me, I would freak out. It was just so, so slowly, and just being really open and kind to myself. I tried not to feel bad or awkward about any of these conversations because I knew that they were essential to my journey.
BOT: For sure.
Leanna: Yeah. So, slowly.
BOT: Slowly, slowly.
Leanna: Yeah. [Laughs]
BOT: In one of Instagram videos, you talked about ‘levelling up’ as a victim or a survivor. Did you want to talk about this, a little bit?
Leanna: Yeah, so levelling up — I mean, those were my early days of Instagram (and I say “early days,” but it was like a month ago) — so levelling up, yes. As a survivor of trauma, especially sexual violence, you often suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder or complex post-traumatic stress disorder. It can be very tangling; it can shut you in your home and lock you down. I think what I found is that it’s very, very easy once you’re in the mindset of “I can’t, I’m too scared, I won’t,” and with that negative mindset, you’re just reinforcing that day after day after day.
So, I started challenging myself in very, very small ways. I think there was a number of months where I didn’t get dressed; I stayed in my bed every single day. Every single day. But I could see that it was getting more and more unhealthy for me, so my way of levelling up then was: I got up, I had a showered on, I put my pyjamas back on, and I went to bed. Just having that shower saved me a little bit.
Then, as I started getting a little bit stronger, I was scared of going out of the house. There were [sighs]... I wouldn’t go out of the house for weeks, I was petrified. I wouldn’t even step out of my front door. Slowly, I would go and stand in my front garden and sit on my bench or I would walk two doors up the road, two houses, and then I would turn around and come back again. The more positive experiences I was able to build up within myself, I was able to affirm that, in some places, in some cases, I was safe or I was able to do this, and I stopped being so hard on myself. Even now, I get quite panicky and I’m very hypervigilant.
I was unable to get to my local supermarket. I sat down and I had to think about it, because I knew I need to eat, I need to go to the supermarket. So, I worked it out; now, I walk on the side of the road where the cars are coming towards me, so that the cars aren’t approaching from behind me, and that makes me feel a bit better. I walk along the side of the road where there are less crossings because I find standing at crossings difficult, because I don’t know who’s going to come up behind me. Oh, my goodness! Even thinking about it now makes my heart start racing.
It’s just about helping yourself. I don’t want to be stuck and I don’t feel like any victims or survivors should be stuck. I want to give you the opportunity and the tools to push past that, but in a way that feels safe and right to you. I guess that’s what I mean by “levelling up.” It’s just challenging those comfort zones and understanding that there’s real danger, there’s bad danger — there’s “I’m going to be hit by a car” danger — and then there’s the danger where you are challenging your comfort zones. That’s a safe fear and it’s okay. It’s okay, it’s going to be alright. So, that’s what I meant by that.
BOT: I think that’s brilliant!
Leanna: Thank you.
BOT: And it’s not out-dated, even though it was a month ago. [Laughs]
Leanna: [Laughs] Thank you!
BOT: No problem. [Laughs] What are some ways, aside from levelling up, that can help with post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, that are rooted in the experiences of sexual trauma?
Leanna: I can just hear anybody listening to this with CPTSD or PTSD groaning — “oh gosh, she’s not going to say that, is she?” — but, yes. The one I’m going to go in with first is: exercise. [Laughs] I know right? But exercise, exercise, exercise. Again, start slowly, but those endorphins, they’ve got a lot to say for themselves and do make us feel better. Exercise will help us sleep better at night and, more than that, when it comes to complex post-traumatic stress disorder, it’s very left- and right-brain thinking, so things like dancing or aerobics, they’re a really good way of getting out of your brain and getting out of your own mind and your own head. You know, you can have a laugh at yourself and get sweaty and you can do it in a safe way. You don’t even have to leave your house! You can just run up and down the stairs, even for five minutes.
Another thing with exercise that helped me is box fit. It’s really good for channelling my anger, because I’m punching and oof, oof, oof! I just feel so much better by the end of it, so exercise, exercise, exercise.
The next one would be learning to manage your inner critic, especially for victims or survivors of childhood abuse. I’d imagine that their inner critic is a nasty mofo. Learning to identify what your inner critic is screaming and shouting at you and learning how to manage that is so important, because that is going to be one of the biggest things that you can master and defeat. Nobody can go along in a healthy, happy life when inside, they are telling themselves all the nastiest things in the world. So, learning to manage that inner critic is essential.
The other thing that I learned with post-traumatic stress disorder and complex PTSD is an emotional flashback. An emotional flashback is when you come over feeling a certain negative way, as a result of something that happened in the present. That’s not a very good way of explaining it.
So, for example, imagine you’ve got complex post-traumatic stress disorder and you don’t know about emotional flashbacks. You go in to your boss, you have to have a meeting, and straight away, you go into panic. You start sweating, you start shaking, you go white. Now, it could be that you’ve done something wrong and you’re going to be in trouble, or it could be going in and seeing your boss is reminding you of all the times that, as a child, you were in real, deep trouble with your parents and you knew that something bad was going to happen. Or, it could be that feeling of stress reminds you or takes you back to that rape or that sexual abuse, where you felt that stress again and you’re reliving that emotion. So, that’s an emotional flashback. Recognizing that you’re having those is brilliant.
I was walking along the road recently and I put my hand out to stroke a dog, and the dog went to bite me. Now, I knew that I shouldn’t have put my hand out to that dog, but I love dogs and I couldn’t help it, but anyway.
BOT: [Laughs]
Leanna: I had a complete emotional flashback, because I started shaking, I had to sit down. I was shaking uncontrollably. I felt all my blood level sugars go, I thought I was going to faint! I felt awful, and not because I was scared of the dog, but because that fear sparked something inside of me and it took me right back. Right back to the rapes. That emotion just came flooding back, so learning to identify those emotional flashbacks — that there isn’t something wrong with me, I’m having an emotional flashback — it is really helpful.
You’ll just spend your life thinking, “Why am I reacting like this? I’m not like everybody else, why can’t I handle it?” You can’t handle it because you’re having these emotional flashbacks, and that’s completely understandable, but you need to be able to identify them.
I’ve got a couple more as well, if that’s okay?
BOT: Yeah!
Leanna: Okay: learning to be unwaveringly kind to yourself. Trauma victims, it’s so very easy in our society to beat ourselves up for not being as ‘good’ or as ‘able’ as everybody else, but the thing is, you’re comparing apples to oranges. People who haven’t experienced trauma are able to go along in their lives a little bit easier than the people that have. Being unwaveringly kind to yourself and not being horrible to yourself constantly will — I want to say, “save your life,” and in some cases, that is correct — but it will make your recovery easier and quicker.
Correct medication, that’s another one. Not everybody wants to take medication and certainly not the anti-anxiety and the anti-depressants; they won’t solve it, they won’t take the rape away, they won’t stop the complex post-traumatic stress disorder, but they will help you manage it a little bit better. So, definitely, the correct medication.
For me, what worked was EMDR therapy, in terms of my complex post-traumatic stress disorder. EMDR therapy has given me a new way of managing my flashbacks; instead of thinking about a particularly horrific image and then, it kind of wiping me out for two or three days, or maybe even a week, I now have an alternative ending. Not an ‘ending,’ but a statement, as it were around that. EMDR therapy is like a miracle, so I totally recommend that for anybody who’s got PTSD, whatever the reason, EMDR is the way forward.
BOT: How do you think we can empower and inspire parents, schools, government institutions, and so on to teach children from a young age about the necessity of consent? Do you think that proper sex education would decrease the number of instances of sexual assault and rape that we see?
Leanna: Well, I mean, that’s a really good question, and my background is in the school. I don’t know what it’s like across the world, but I would say that my experience is that sex education isn’t being taught properly in our schools. We need to have a complete — not just a rethink — but it needs to be updated really urgently. I think, to encourage schools to do that, they need to be trauma trained; certainly, to have trauma training to identify where somebody’s displaying trauma signs would stop so much rape from happening over long-term periods, especially with children. Yeah, being trauma-informed.
And then trying to encourage people to have awkward conversations about rape and sexual abuse, because if rape and sexual abuse is happening to one in four women, why aren’t we talking about it more in a work setting? Why aren’t we talking about it more in organizations? Why aren’t we talking about it more in the pub or when we’ve got our family and friends ‘round? We’re not talking about it because it’s uncomfortable and it’s awkward.
BOT: Mhmm.
Leanna: We need to be okay with having those awkward and uncomfortable conversations. That’s another way that would really help shift the mentality around it, at the moment. I would also ask that the people that haven’t experienced sexual violence — in some way, without traumatizing themselves — they really need to try to dig deeply, deeply to empathize and understand what rape victims have been through. I’ve come across so many people who haven’t been raped and they say, “Oh, that is really awful,” and then that’s where their understanding finishes. You know, that’s where it starts and that’s where it ends, and that’s not enough.
Yeah, just, they need to be able to... I don’t want to re-traumatize people, but they need to have a deeper awareness of what it actually is that victims are going through.
BOT: Mhmm.
Leanna: There does need to be more education in schools, and it needs to be looking at every human’s experience of sexual violence. Across the world, there are so many different forms of sexual violence and it’s different for everybody, and we need to be talking about all of those, because we live in a multi-cultural world now. I remember as a teacher being taught about female genital mutilation. Rape looks different in lots of different countries, so it’s taking all of that in. It’s making people realize that it is the worst crime to someone, without them being killed, and honouring the reality of that.
“I’ve been raped.”
“Oh, have you? Are you going to be in work tomorrow?” You know, it’s that kind of attitude.
“I’ve been raped.”
“Oh, were you? Will you still be alright to cook dinner tonight?” [Sighs] It can’t keep going on like that. The world needs to honour this traumatic event and allow us time to recover.
BOT: It’s not something you just get over immediately.
Leanna: That’s the society that we live in at the moment. It really is.
BOT: Unfortunately, yeah.
Leanna: Also, a biggie is looking at the appetites of sexual predators having those really awkward and uncomfortable conversations about it, because what if a rapist’s preference is rape? What if that is their sexual preference? We can’t hide from that, so we need to talk about it and we need to know, as a society, how best to manage that. It’s the same with pedophiles.
There are some pedophiles out there, where their sexual preference is small children, and they need to feel okay coming for help before it gets to the point where it’s bad for other people. Even that comes down to porn, as well. Stuff like that, the rapey stuff and the child porn stuff, is bad. It’s really, really bad.
Also, stop protecting rapists, as a society. I look around, and I think, how many of us know a rapist? And what have we done with that information? If it wasn’t that they raped us, there’s quite a few of us that know somebody that may have been raped by somebody else, or we know somebody who said So-And-So raped them, but they never went to the police. How many of us know a rapist? How many of us have been in a family, where they’re like, “Don’t go near Uncle So-And-So”?
BOT: Yeah.
Leanna: We live in a society where we protect rapists, and that needs to stop. They need to be held accountable. They really, really do. There’s so much that needs to be done.
BOT: There really is! But how do you think, overall, we as a society can be more sex-positive? How do you think we can implement this advice?
Leanna: Becoming okay with having awkward conversations about sex.
BOT: Mhmm.
Leanna: I was online this week, shouting “vulva” at the top of my lungs, and “anus,” and “testicles.”
BOT: [Laughs]
Leanna: Just to encourage people to be okay talking about body parts, regardless of how awkward they feel. Let’s have those awkward conversations about sex, because it’s not all glistening bodies and white teeth, is it? You know, there’s farts, and there’s sweat, and there’s bits of our body that move that you don’t want to move, and there’s accidents... So, let’s be alright with talking about all of the parts of that.
Being open about our wants and needs, certainly as a victim. I feel like re-entering into relationship, we give people all the information about our family and our likes, but then we wouldn’t say to them, “Okay, so I don’t want to have anal sex with you. I’d be okay kissing you tonight and I’d be okay with cuddling you tonight, but I don’t want to have sex with you tonight. I really into this or I’m really into that.” You know, we’re not having those conversations. I don’t think we’re having those conversations as much.
I think it’s really, especially when you’re first entering into a relationship, to almost have that kind of list of wills and won’ts, dos and don’ts. It’s really, really healthy. I’m not saying that the wrong kind of people won’t try to push those boundaries, but you can weed them out pretty quickly because everybody is on the same page.
BOT: Yep.
Leanna: Also, talking to our children and teenagers about sex. I mean, I come from a generation where there was no talking about sex, and it didn’t help me. It did not help me. So, I’m hoping that we are going to change that and we will be raising a generation oof children that can talk about sex and can talk about their body parts without using euphemisms.
And become a feminist! Everybody needs to become a feminist and sex-positivity will be much better.
BOT: I agree one hundred percent!
Leanna: [Laughs]
BOT: And if somebody wanted to get involved or join up with Reluctant Heroines, how would they do that?
Leanna: At the moment, come and visit me on Instagram @ReluctantHeroines. Within the next thirty days, I will also have my website running. My website uses my name, Leanna Larkin, but the subheading of it is Reluctant Heroines. But Instagram at the moment, definitely.
BOT: Sounds great! Do you have any final thoughts?
Leanna: I know that this has been a lot of information and is quite a heavy and emotive subject. I don’t want to give anybody any kind of triggers, but I just... It’s going to feel like it’s not going to be okay on some days and for the days that it is, I’m here to say that I can help. Come over and visit me on Reluctant Heroines and I will get through it with you. There are loads of tips on my Instagram page and I’m building on it every single day.
Listen to this. Aid yourself, take the time off. Recover. Get professional help. Just don’t give up. Don’t give up.
BOT: Very well said. Thank you for joining us and for being so honest and open. I know for sure that this is going to be helping somebody, by you sharing your insights.
Leanna: Okay, thank you.
